A New Page?

Ok…..October 18 at 3:50 a.m.

I’m less than 24 hours away from turning a page in life that I suppose is a big landmark in life.

The big THREE-OH……ohhhhh….

How am I supposed to feel right now? Is 30 supposed to make me automatically more mature and responsible? Or is it supposed to make me FEEL like I should be that? Or is it just another birthday?

I can’t vote on those choices because I guess to me it’s maybe a mix of the three. Guess that’s how politics work. You agree with some aspects and disagree with others……

So I suppose turning 30 is a big election of my mind. One side is saying that I just automatically receive something, one side is saying that once I’m there….I’ll be the one you wanted to vote for….. and the other is saying that just one year will not change anything in particular.

Okay, I’m not going to take the analogy too far and say that my different thoughts about turning thirty represent anything really theoretically political. But maybe the only way I can relate the two is that it’s a crap shoot. Some aspects are appealing while others might feel a little less comfortable or easy to swallow. Every aspect.

My desire to stay a young, virile, funloving, throw-caution-to-the-wind kind of person is sometimes in opposition of my desire to grow up and have the respect, honor, and general life of stability.

Is there a happy medium?

I’d like to think that people in general know that I am a crazy and spontaneous person but at the same time have a solid head on my shoulders and understand the time and place for both sides of the spectrum.

But that makes it sound like one has to flip a coin and that’s what you get for the day. I don’t think I’m one or the other. I’m on the fence.

As far as GETTING respect just because I’ve turned a page in my decades of years, I don’t think that has anything to do with age.

I don’t expect respect from someone until I deserve it. But at the same token, I am one who gives people the benefit of the doubt from the getgo. I give them respect first and foremost….before they may have given me a reason to give them that respect.

Is that some kind of disconnect??? Am I being unfair to myself and overly fair to my peers? Or am I being fair to myself and not really caring about the personalities around me?

I am and have always have been someone who knows a ton of people. But there are only a very few who I let in. And at the same token, those very few are usually the only people who bear any impression to me. I’ve never really been one who cares what everybody thinks about me. In fact, I’m more the person to be over the top but yet aloof to everyone around me but those few who are  ‘mine.’

People can readily find my quirks. Yes, I figure that generally the people who associate with me know I’m a bit quirky…..but there is a difference between seeing and experiencing them and understanding and accepting them without question.

Shit, I guess my philosophy is an an old one. We have our believers and we have our skeptics in our lives. Those who are believers in our lives are those who don’t need a reason to believe other than what we’ve already given them. The skeptics have yet to figure us out.

And we will always have skeptics. That’s what makes life…..life! I’m not talking about IMPRESSING people….I think it all comes down to respect.

Not everyone will be our champions in life. There have to be the skeptics to make the believers who they are.

I play my part. I play both roles, just as I feel every real person should. I understand that I can’t like everybody and everybody can’t like me. As much as it’s hard to admit, it’s easy to revel in each role.

I love my believers to the depth of my heart. Perhaps there are only a token few, but I know who they are. And it’s easy to know where they stand. So then perhaps they don’t weigh on my mind like my opponents…..

As much as I’m a glutton for praise, I’m also a glutton for criticism. Those people that are my skeptics……at times I challenge them to give me a reason for them to be skeptical. And perhaps in turn that gives me a reason to strive for better….not necessarily in order to better myself, but to prove those skeptics wrong.

Like a little (thumb on nose with fingers outspread and waving) ‘na na nanana……’

Sophomoric. But just as I look back and think that my thoughts are sophomoric, I also think that every self aware person is the same.

I don’t do things to try to impress people. (Ok, that’s not totally true because I don’t care if you’re a NFL quarterback or the the last chair trumpeter in your high school band….you’re trying to impress SOMEBODY….but in general……) I Don’t think that I have much of a showboat bone in my body. I’m too self conscious. Maybe my skeptics give me more credit than I deserve……..

Big facade, small little boxy building. It’s a cosmetic fix for something that’s lacking.

But I suppose everybody has their version of that, even that star NFL quarterback.

And it’s quite possible that that pimply awkward shy last chair brass player will eventually have it together more mentally than that perfect teeth smile abs star football player. I’m a firm follower in the thinking that you value things (both physically and mentally) more the harder they are to procure.

What is easy to come by is less coveted than what is cultivated and nurtured for a lifetime.

And I digress….(lol always wanted to say that)

My turning 30 doesn’t change me or how people see me. On October 19, 2009 I will still be the same happy sad fun boring tired awake mean nice rude complimentary drunk sober right wrong person that I am and always will be.

The Particles…

So I’m a fan of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” There is a scene in which the little cowboy kid who watches too much television decides that he’s going to, as the rest of the bad little kids, experiment on something they should not. Well, this cowboy kid went through the particles and became small enough to be on Mr. Wonka’s television.
If you watch the movie like I have, you’ll remember the ‘particles’ that floated above everybody’s head in the process of Mr. Bang Bang kid to become one of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid……..and what was his demise?
Well I find myself right now as those ‘particles.’ I’m in perpetual motion; not really knowing what’s going to happen on the other side.
What’s on the other side? I don’t want to be particles….
Texas is calling….but is it?
School is calling….but how can I move on when I’m waiting for Texas?
I want Texas to call my name. No bluff. Just real. I could do it and would if Texas just called for me.
But I’m not sure that will happen.
And then I think I’ll just do it on my own. I do know that I need to get the eff out of the situation that I’m in. I’m not happy really. And life is too short to be unhappy.
School is a really great option. I need to do that. But I suppose I have until December to figure it out.
And I won’t let Texas go at this point. I need that Texan. I want that Texan.
But at the same time I feel like I need a BIG fucking change in my life and if it’s getting enough balls to move to T by myself….I need that.
I should just grow a pair and get the fuck out of here even if it’s hard for a bit. As long as I can pay for my house and my cell…….I’m still young enough to pick up and go.
I hate my day job. And Louie freaks the fuck out of me and I can’t do anything right. Despite my love for my job with my mother……I’ve got to do SOMETHING! And if I went to the extreme and got the fuck outta here……it’s scary. But….if I’m going to do it I better do it now. And if Texas doesn’t work……well, at least I tried.
And for me to not try will eat me up inside if I don’t do SOMETHING….fuck this place that I love so much.
I’m not codependent. But that Texan has me thinking and considering myself a ‘particle.’
I want to not be a particle for very long. Something’s goota give. Either me getting out and doing my shit or going to Texas to really do something crazy.
Might be time for something crazy. I’m only young once.

Too Loud to Say…

Hey y’all, I know it’s been forever. But I’m just writing to say that I’ve got a one track mind these days. Not for so many days but I don’t think that necesarily matters.

My mind is on my man. Who I met in the most improbable ways. I didn’t think it would last. Like all the others. I showed him a part of me that not too many people know about…and that was right away. I was leery.

But despite my worries, I feel that he is the one for me at this point. I brag about him to all. But am I setting myself up for something?

I think he’s excited to see me. And maybe impressed that I would fly miles and miles to see him.

Miss him more than miles can say. He mellows me. I need him to mellow me.

I go a thousand miles equipped with my wit and recipes to make him happy. But still it’s just me. And it’s just him. What are his expectations?

What do we have in common I was asked. To be honest, I’m not quite sure except for the fact that we are…..maybe ready to deal with eachother. And be happy to know and accept eachother’s faults. I love the faults that he’s given me and expect more. And I think he knows some of mine.  But I feel that I want to tell him more. Lots more. And I hope that he feels that same way.

I love that he is dedicated to his daughter. And I love that I’m respectful of that. And I love his demeanor when he’s around me. He knows that he doesn’t have to dote on me, which makes me feel that I don’t always have to dote on him.

Though at this point, I’m willing to dote. But only to a point because I know (think) he doesn’t want someone to be doting and or needy.

I know he knows that I’m a pretty independent gal. But I can’t stop the nagging feeling that I DO need him. I am starting to feel that I can’t not be his baby.

His friends are excited to meet me. Ok, well the one I’ve spoken to. His heeler. In roping terms. That is a huge friendship. And this guy wants to know me. So at least I know that my man has been talking at least a little. Especially when this friend said that I would get along with his wife. I asked why and he said that my man said that I’m an open and fun person. And get along with people.

I think maybe I proved that to him the night before he left. I had gotten off work and wanted to mellow out and relax for a bit and my man was already out and socializing. We talked for a bit and he made a point of making sure that I was ok with him fraternizing with people while I mellowed out for a bit. Of course, my mind was with him and I respected him for letting me know that he was with me but while I was mellowing out, he would be chit-chatting. Kissed me. Eventually I came around and that was the night that he told me he was falling for me hard.

I was falling for him too for the same reasons.  We can be together but not worry necessarily about being hip to hip all the time.

But now that it’s a far away relationship (and I DO consider it a relationship, despite my normal tendencies), it makes everything different. The term ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ is growing more and more of a belief for me.

I have days that I don’t hear from him. Like three or four days. And I start freaking out. I get pissy (sorry to those who have to deal with me), but in the end, at least for now, I get tenpence back.

I know my man is excited to have me down in his element and his town. I just have to keep in mind that it’s harder for men sometimes (especially in front of roping buddies and his daughter) to spout what he feels. I just have an innate feeling that he is feeling me and how I feel about being away from him; it’s just harder for him to express it than it is for me at this point.

Some women would worry that there might be another woman in the picture of a long distance relationship. For some reason I have no feeling that he would do that. I suppose that if that were to happen he would be in the perfect situation to just stop communication completely. I first think that he’s more respectable than that, and I don’t think that he would disrespect me.  Second, he would not have told his heeler that I was coming to visit and also let me talk to this man….if he wasn’t stoked. Yeah, Texas is a big state….but I think he knows a bit about the rumor mill.

I think that I can trust him. I do trust him. Now I will meet his heeler’s wife. I’ve been told that we’ll get along….I am more worried about that than how my man and I will.

Granted we don’t have a lot in common, but at the same time……I’m a supporter as long as my man is a supporter in return. In the long run I suppose….as long as we are dedicated to eachother and support eachother in our endeavors…..that’s what life is to me.

In a perfect world at this exact point that I’m writing right now……I will support him in he and his heeler’s roping endeavors….and be there for all the highs and lows. And of course beyond that. I will help him as much as I possibly can. I have not said that in my life but….maybe never. I will be a friend to his daughter and give her as much as I can. I want to meet her and be a cool person in her life.

Ok, I’m a supporter, that I’m willing to give. Now here are mine…..can he support me me in any endeavor that I choose to undertake? It’s no secret that I want to expand my trade knowledge. Is he willing to stay with me with just the knowledge that I’m coming home to he and his daughter every night and also want to expand my education?

Basically can we find a way to find both of our dreams? WOW.

Talk about empiphany……

I want to be with him. And I want to support him. Do our support systems mesh????

I want him to suceed. Can he do that for me? I really hope that we can accomplish things together with eachother’s support.

Outta dodge!

So I’m at the point that it’s been a while since I took a vacay…..

And because I paid (now) Prez. Obama more than I should have…….

I have the money burning a hole in the pockets that are really worn out.

So the burning…

That’s it. Thought about a week in Mexico all-inclusive…..$1000 at least.

Thought about Vegas for FOUR nights…….could……but what????

Been sitting here by myself painting my own dining room and thought….

What better than a road trip?

Those who know me know that I love the solo road trips. It has been something that keeps me going…….

Haha, no pun intended.

But as much as I like my one or two night solo road trips….how ’bout make it a week or a week and a half????

No destination intended, none will come to me.

But that may be cheaper for me ’cause everywhere I’ve thought about going involves expenses….leaving my boy home…(which would be  more dinero)………..Road tripping south? It gets warmer the further south you go. I’ve not been to Denver since I was a SMALL child….NEVER experienced some things South….other than when I was on family trips.

I’m starting to think that a random road trip is in order. And not the weekend RT that I do from time to time. A good long week one where I’m not exactly sure where I’ll end up.

I could potentially see so much more of this world just getting in my car and going than me going to one destination for some days.

FUCK IT, I’m going out of town when Mom gets back for a week (or a half depending on how I manage my funds….) and I’m going to not have a plan.

I could write about it when I get back….

I’m not too old to disappear for just a minute am I?

More freckles!

Here I am once again doing home improvements in the middle of the night.

Started working on the wallpaper again but it’s a bitch. SO I decided to do the less thing that I enjoy….painting. And my hatred is very close betwixt the two.

So now I’m thinking I need to get rid of a couple pieces of furniture and find some goood furniture to match my new wall (guess I should paint the other three walls too)!

But RED? That’s the strong wall.

And now I want only art on it. Not my desk. I’ve got a little desk, a peice of weird piece and a…a (preatty beat up antique) dining room table.

Now I’m thinking chill spot ’cause my living room doesn’t accommodate more than……not many.

I’m slowly getting inspiriation about making my house MINE….

And I’m very excited.

Eearthquakes

These little earthquakes…
It doesn’t take much to tear us apart.

Lonely road…

I have been pretty much been stood up.

It’s not a feeling that I’ve ever known.

Because I don’t make plans.

For this reason.

I hate to be let down.

Even a call

would fix it all

But Don’t leave me hanging. I don’t like it at all.

How would you feel?

Or is it your other that makes you change your mind?

Allright I am not great at poetry. It’s not poetry. Just sentences.

I’m not pissed but disappointed. Because I thought he was different from that. Will he call me tomorrow to apologize or is he just like his best just thinking that I’m only good for things that are opportunistic? I thought he was different. I think I give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn’t. And at the same time I say how jaded I am.

Jaded in relationships, yes. Friendships? I give everything that I have to those that I find to be friends. Guess it’s too easy to become my friend. Maybe I should be jaded about that too.

Why do people like me or want to be around me? Excepting my good friends, I’m not sure. But why do I like them? Do they talk to me about my life like my good friends do? And do half of the people I consider friends really care?

I have few solid friends that I can say whatever comes to my mind. The one I most trust is far away and I can’t even tell her the shit that I’ve been doing lately.

I’m lonely. But at the same time, who else who is sane is awake at 3:45 a.m.? Guess it’s just me. But between the wine and the time at night, am I sane???

Probably more emotional than I should be. But I suppose if I’m emotional right now then it’s in the back of my head all the time…just comes out when I’m alone and have time to think by myself.

And then it comes right back to me being by myself. I preach and preach how much I love being by myself. But the whole thing is, I think, is not wanting to answer to someone else. I don’t want to have to be worried about my other. I don’t want my other to worry either. It should be a trust. Trust and communication is key to me.

But that seems really easy to me. And then again, I’m single. Guess it just takes the right people to be able to communicate and trust one another…hahaaaa! There it is again.

I suppose easier said than done. That’s the clincher. Easier said than done.

It’s easier for me to write about it I guess because verbal communication is not on the top of my list of strengths. It may be one of the top on the list of my weaknesses. But if it matters to me at least I think I try. And trying is better than doing nothing.

And nothing is the end of communication.

Should I wait for his call of apology or just forget? Forget I met those two people…erase like I did with the pink pencil eraser that I did when I was little…? I messed up when it was easy to erase the “s” and write on top an “e”? Or is the ‘e’ wrong too? Sure wish it was as easy as picking a letter………

No, I don’t. Although sometimes I wish it was easy, I understand that life can’t be easy. I would be bored if it was. Even the most mundane person would get tired of being mundane if there wasn’t some kind of allure to life for them. Well, I guess…I wouldn’t know? I suppose their excitement and mine are VERY much different.

But we are not all that different. Really, we want to be liked and accepted. I don’t care how many times I hear people say that they don’t care what other people say about them…me included. You can say that, and to an extent it is true. But there is a part of every strong person who puts that criticizm into their hearts and thinks about it. And mulls over whether it’s true or not. And the more that those people (in their heads) think about it the more they worry about it. And if you have to think about it that hard, then there is at least an ounce of truth in it. That’s when coming to terms with weaknesses comes into play.

It’s hard to hear the truth. And if it’s a hard truth people are more suceptible to be pissed about it. Because in one way or another, it may be true. Maybe not directly but if a person has a hard time hearing criticizm, that means, maybe, that they know that somewhere in their lives it’s true.

I’m guilty of this and I don’t think you are a living and breathing and caring person if you are not guilty of that sometime in your life.

Every human being has regrets. And a little something in their closets that they are not proud of.

But I believe that those pink shoes in the closet, those hidden magazines in the attic, that bong under your bed, the porn your garage, the spending you do on eBay (poker)…

Are what make people PEOPLE.

The overspenders, the overeaters, the underachievers, the undereducated, the overpriveliged, the free spirits, the pennypinchers, the I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck-About-Anything fuckers…….

They are all people. Right or wrong. They are all people.

Icky Thump!

Talking with a man with problems with his girl for two hours has made me feel like I’m pretty fortunate to be single!

I’ve moved the couch and there’s nothing there

And there’s nothing there in general.

But that’s in general.

I have one close that’s gone, though not gone.

I have one that’s here that’s not here.

I have one who’s…

I can’t give some poetic version

Because it’s not poetic.

Friend!

A surprising surprise!

I’m a bookie in more ways than one. People close to me know that.

In one sense I’m a football bookie because I run an NFL football pool. But I’m not really a bookie in that sense because I never take a cut of what’s betted. So that, I guess, is negated.

I’m a bookie because i’m such a bookworm. I don’t have many hobbies that ’stick’ other than reading. I’m a total bookie. There are a number of names for us…but I feel uncertain when I don’t have something to read.

So, me as a Bookie, read a great story, a 500 page novel, in three days. And as soon as I finished it, I was immendiately on Amazon ordering (two day shipping cost almost more than the book itself) the next in the series. I get obsessive.

But one thing that really shocked me tonight was talking about books to someone that I NEVER would have thought I would have a conversation about books with. My friend B said he was not much of a reader until her read the Harry Potter books. And now he’s almost a voracious reader!

Just who it came from really shocked me and I didn’t want to stop talking books and suggesting books to him.

And he’s down! The whole concept was unfathomable to me until tonight.

So I’m going to lend him some James Frey (if I haven’t loaned it to someone else at this point) because I think he’ll like it.

It makes me like this place a little bit more.