Trying gone bad

We have been having bad weather.

I texted him asking if he’d been snowed in, just to make conversation.

We small-talk texted for a while.

Hours later, as I was home shoveling off my deck I get a text, “hey sometime this weekend i need to discuss the trip, moving the rest of my shit out and rent with u, when u get a chance get hold of me.”

So I call him back and he is asking me if I was asking if he was snowed in so I could go on a date with someone. (To make sure he wouldn’t be around.)

I was going to call him tomorrow and ask him if he would be ok with being roommates for a while and figuring things out from there. He asked if I would feel comfortable if he brought a girl home in that living situation. I asked him if we were broken up, because it sounded to me like …..

Just got off a long conversation with him. We are apparently thinking…..and talking sometime this weekend….

Separation night 4

Apparently I’m going on a date with my boyfriend…..but as friends. 

I don’t know how not to talk to him in some way. I was talking to him (via text message) about football. He said that he was done with a book that I’d recommended to him. And there’s a movie based on the book. So he asked me to go. 

He asked me out on a date. We’ve decided to go ‘dutch,’ which is silly but okay with me. 

I know that we need to get back to us, as friends, as best friends, first.

We need to be able to talk like we used to.

I feel like I can do that…..but sometimes when I even look at him, I get annoyed about the things that bug me about him. 

I should be able to look at him and love things about him.

There are things I do love about him. But it seems like those things that I so much love about him I don’t see anymore. Is it me being nit-picky? 

I used to make him laugh. But it seems I have nothing funny to say anymore. 

Gotta figure it out. Some minutes I want to work it out. Other minutes, I wonder if it’s worth it anymore. We forgot how to make each other happy.

Can we remember? I don’t even remember what happened to put us in this situation. Neither does he. I would like to be able to pin-point the moment when things started falling apart.

Maybe moving in together? But if we can’t live together, how can we progress? I don’t feel like we rushed in to anything. Perhaps I’m just a really bad roommate who gets pissed about every little thing. 

Which is true. But I suppose I’ve lived by myself for so long it’s hard to have somebody not do things my way. And he says that the little things shouldn’t matter. But when it’s a bunch of little things all added up….it becomes a big thing.

I’m in the process of thinking at this point. I am doing some long hard thinking about what I can do to make things better. I’ve come up with a lot of things. But how much am I willing to bend? How much am I willing to look over?

 

Separation night 3

I got drunk.

I didn’t want to come home and sit by myself again.

So I went out.

And then I went to a party.

I had fun. I had fun.

Was having so much fun

That I let my ride leave.

It’s okay because I’m close, walking distance

To my house.

 

I get walking and realize

It’s a little farther than I thought.

But whatever, a walk is not a bad thing.

I’m slipping and sliding on the ice,

And walking like a drunken hobo

Just to walk on the spots of

Un-ice.

And then they give me a ride,

To the main road.

All of a sudden I’m walking only two blocks to my house.

Instead of six.

It’s amazing how a small ride helps

When you have slippery feet.

Very nice of them.

Makes me think that people do

Care.

If I wasn’t where I am with him at this point in time, I wouldn’t have gone to that party. I know for a fact there is no way he would’ve gone. I didn’t originally want to go there. I’ve been so “taken” that I don’t do what I used to do.

But at the same time…..I don’t really miss it that much. The people who know me at the party were surprised to see me there, but said they were happy to see me. So obviously they’re surprised to see me because I don’t do that anymore. Because I have him. And he doesn’t like that kind of thing. So I don’t do it.

I like going to house parties from time to time. But more than not, I won’t go unless it’s a really close friend’s party. So therefore, I tend not to go.  Because I don’t have a huge amount of close friends.

But I broke my rule. Although I know the hosts, they are not my people. We say hi at the bar and a re cordial, but know nothing of each other.

I went….and I had fun! There were a ton of people I know there (I knew they would be there) and it was good to see and hang with them.

But when it really comes down to it, can I have both worlds?

We have argued about how I am more a social person than he is. And I’ve changed a lot since I’ve been committed to him. I’m able and happy to stay at home more than I used to be. Like I said in my last post, I’ve come to realize that it’s easier and cheaper to just stay at home.

Most of my jobs require me to talk to people. I work FOR people. And I work to make people happy. In my work I strive to make people happy. I do, in my life, try to make people happy.

But there’s got to be a point where I can not have to try to please people, and just have them like me for who I am.

Wow, that sounds like I only bank my self-worth on the opinions of those around me.

That’s not true, by any means.

I guess….on this tirade that I went on…and the separation theme……

I want to be me, and I’m so troubled about changing too much for a person? And I don’t want that person to have to change too much either.

He has made me a better person after he’s moved in. I’ve realized that I like having a clean house. And I was so worried that I was going to piss him off about how I’m not clean. But it seems that since he’s moved in, I’m all about having a clean house.

I’m seeing myself getting anal about his little dirty quirks. He says I shouldn’t worry about the small stuff. But when there are a lot of small things building up, isn’t that a big thing?

Maybe I’m just used to living by myself and having my own mess to (not) deal with, it’s hard to deal with somebody else’s?

I thought he was OCD clean. Now I’m worse about certain things that he doesn’t even know about.

And I suppose that’s a huge problem. That he doesn’t even know what I’m annoyed about.

But if I told him everything that he does that annoys me…….it would be bad.

We’ve tried telling each other honestly what we don’t like about each other living together. My list is a lot longer and it is stupid little shit. I don’t tell him about the little shit because he thinks it’s not something we should worry about.

Bu to me, it’s the little shit that gets to me. In general he is a good roommate, a good person and a great friend…..and he would be a good boyfriend if  he understood that the little shit that doesn’t seem to bother him (even though he’s not happy either) DOES bother me. And I’m probably just weird about some stuff. I know I’m weird about stuff for no reason.

But we all are.

I’m sure he’s not happy about some things that I do. But he won’t be honest with me and rip me a new one like he should.

He did say briefly that he thinks he’s trying too hard to please me. And that kinda pissed me off. I feel that if he’s sacrificing his own happiness or ideas just for me…..that doesn’t make him an individual. Shouldn’t he have balls enough to say what HE wants? Or am I too hard ass to recognize that I’m bullying him into doing what I want to do?

On that note, yes, I suppose I’m a bully. Not straight out bully, a passive aggressive one. And perhaps he is so passive that I take advantage of it.

Being passive aggressive or just being passive are both bad. I can’t tell him how to be less passive. I need to figure out how not to be so passive aggressive.

And I need to learn to not be so critical. Probably in my life in general.

I suppose I’m a very critical person when it comes to everything. And I’m also very passive aggressive. One would think that I have a problem keeping my mouth shut. I suppose I’m  really good and opening my mouth when it doesn’t really mean shit.

But more than not, I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut when it should be open.

So I open my mouth when it shouldn’t and can’t when it should?

Separation night 2

Work work work. Not that that’s any different than I usually do. 

Came home after doing some fabulous hair on a sweet and cute little lady and watching how slow the restaurant business is this time of year. 

Television; entertaining but not very motivating. 

I’ve figured out that I’m pretty good at drinking boxed wine. Wait…I’ve known that for a long time. But it seems that I’ve figured out how much cheaper it is than to go out to a bar and pay upwards of $5 on a glass of wine and not talk to anybody. I can way more easily and cheapily (I know it’s not a word, it just fits) come home and talk to nobody and actually be entertained by Jimmy Fallon and my dog, the ever-hilarious, Winston! Between wine, a little FB time, The Pew Pew and Jimmy, what more should a girl ask for? 

But I digress. It’s been a little awkward not having him here. Unfortunately, lately, I’ve been looking toward my driveway to see if his truck’s here and cringing when it is. That’s NOT GOOD. And I caught myself looking tonight and seeing that his truck wasn’t there. I was happy and sad. Hmmm. Wonder what that means that I put ‘happy’ before ‘sad.’ Some kind of Jedi mind trick that I played on myself? Or just plain honesty?

It’s weird not having him here. Even if it’s just to say hi, sit for a minute, and feign tiredness and go to bed and read until I pass out. 

That’s not how a night should go. 

But I’m here, laughing at Jimmy and getting sloshed (well a little) on boxed wine (shouldn’t they call it bagged wine?) and cuddling with the Pooper. Sounds like a pretty nice (and cheap) Friday night to me!

FRIDAY NIGHT….and I’m sitting at home. Such an odd concept for me. But I guess I’m working on turning a new leaf. Guess it’s easier to turn a leaf when you’re saving for a month free of snow!

All in all, I’m hanging in there. I am taking heed of my emotions and ever thinking about what I can do to get things back to how they were. But to be really honest….I don’t really know how we got here in the first place….so how do I find my way back? I forgot to drop breadcrumbs every once in a while…..

Separation Night 1

I went to sleep last night after agreeing to a ‘separation.’ Of course it had to be my idea because he sits back and has to think about what we should do. He was the one who wanted to talk when I got off work. He pauses the tv and says ‘can we talk?’

I say sure……and what happens after that is me talking about what I’m thinking about and what my ideas are about what to do about our problems. I told him most of what was in my last post and asking him the whole time what his ideas were.

And every time, he said he doesn’t know, he needs to think about it. So I would talk some more. And he had to sit and think about it…and say he’s thinking.

And then he said he’d talk if I’d let him talk. What the fuck is that???? I am only asking him to speak his mind and give his suggestions but when he says he needs to think about it???

I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’m not saying that I’m a great person for not just speaking my mind when I started thinking about stuff….but if he brings up that he wants to talk and then has nothing to say??? And has to think about it? I don’t know what to say to that.

So, I pulled up my big girl panties and finally decided to give him the letter I wrote (that I left out for him to read on Wednesday morning, but he didn’t see). We’ll see how it works out. 

But I’m going to patiently wait for the ball to come from his court. I don’t want to be the person who feels like she’s the only one who fights for this relationship. Every time we have a ‘break’ I’m the one who has to tell him my feelings first and it’s his turn. I don’t know if that’s childish or whatever….but I don’t want it to always be in my court to speak my mind. 

So….anyway, day one of The Separation. I woke up this morning not under the sheet. I don’t want him to think that I did that on purpose, I just went to bed. But he’s one who would take offense. Didn’t realize until I woke up and he was already gone.

Went to work. Had a good day. Even though I spent an hour brushing out a nine-year-old girl’s hair because her mom said it was time she took care of her own hair. But also allowed said daughter get not dreadlocks but MATS in her hair up to her scalp. She asked me only to cut her hair. Wanted to ask her if she wanted me to shave her girl’s hair…..but instead I spent an hour de-matting and then cut her hair to just below her shoulders, all the while trying to not to hurt and school this girl on proper hair care. Little lady was a trooper and I gave her a brush (to use every day) and she seemed really happy. So did the mom, she tipped me 100%! Thank you! 

Friend called after work and I met up with she and her daughter, they’re both dolls and mom is nice enough to listen, as she knows all that’s been going on.

Came home and watched Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice. Every reference to love or relationships (there are a LOT amidst the surgery and drama) made me think about what’s going on in my life and what I can do to fix it. Or if I can at all.

On my way to bed, I feel like I can’t sleep, though I know things are as they should be. Bad, but good? I have yet to find out. Am I lonely? Sure. Am I lonely? No, I’m happy to be on my own terms. Am I lonely? Yup. Am I lonely? Naw, I have Winny! Let’s see about day two……

A Letter to MVJ

 Yet another letter. I don’t know how to talk to you without it becoming a fight. And the fact that we can’t (or don’t want to) fight, I’m not sure that we can work things out.

I know you don’t like to fight and I don’t either. But even after we do actually fight, I don’t think that it accomplishes anything.

Mostly because we have to be drunk in order for us to actually fight. But unfortunately I’m not totally sure that either of us really remembers what we talked about in order to ‘work things out.’ I guess I’m passive aggressive and you are just passive. Neither is right.

I keep thinking about how good we were. We used to make each other laugh! We wanted to be around each other. We talked and were affectionate!

We have talked about how we can get back to that.

How do we get back to that? Neither of us have been able to come up with an answer and we both try but we haven’t. And as much as we try, if we both don’t know how to get back there….how can we?

Except for some time? I don’t want to split up with you. I think we’ve had enough time together that we can work on things, just ‘separated.’ I hate that word, but I hate the words ‘split up’ or ‘break up’ worse.

I know you don’t want to have to stay at your parents’ house every time we are having problems. And I also know that I’m not ready to be done and for you to move out. But I also know that WE are not happy right now. I think that maybe you have it in your head that things are fine, or that our issues will work out, in time, on their own. I think that we’ve tried that. We need to learn how to talk to each other and actually talk about stuff again. Not just the stuff that we’re having problems with. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Saying hello and talking about random television shows does not make a relationship.

I think it might take more than two weeks of you staying at your parents’ to make things work. Like I said, I don’t want you to move out, I think we just need to spend time alone to figure out whether we really want to be with each other. I need you to figure that out. I need you to be honest with yourself and us to think about it long and hard. And ask yourself if you want to fight for us.

No matter what happens, I would like us to wait until after our vacation to make a decision. I want to see if us being away will help us. Because it seems like when we go out of town we get along really well and we have a really great time together. It might be just what we need to reconnect and figure stuff out.

I know that I’m not an easy girl to be in a relationship with. I’m independent to a fault, I’m stubborn, I’m picky, I’m a jerk sometimes, I’m blunt when I shouldn’t be, I’m not blunt when I should be, I’m ……..I’m sure there are more. I’m not perfect.

But I feel like when we do spend time apart…..I’m the one that ends up talking to you and trying to work things out. I’m probably wrong about that and I’m sure you have numerous arguments against what I said.

But when it all comes down to it, that’s how I FEEL. And I can’t help what I feel. I think one thing that bothers me is that when things might not be 100% with us, you just pretend that things are fine. But I think that you know that things are not 100%. Or even 50%. Please stop pretending and tell me before I have to blow up and show you.

You know I’m not good at speaking my feelings. But I will tell you that I used to be better at it when I felt that you were willing to listen. I feel like I have to be the one to be the bad guy and start the conversations. Or be the bad guy that shows that I’m unhappy. And that’s when you decide to figure it out. I don’t want to be the bad guy all the time. And I know I probably don’t do or say or act how I should to tell you that I’m upset….but you do nothing to show it…..except for nothing.

I know you’re thinking that you’re sitting on the brink of the edge of something. And perhaps….you’re not unhappy. And if you can tell me that you’re not unhappy and that I’m totally wrong…..then it’s obviously just me who’s having problems. And then it’s just me who’s not happy with us at this point and I suppose that puts me in a different category than you. If that’s the case, I’m really sorry, and you can do what you want.

I will say (again), that I don’t want you to move out, I don’t want to split up, we just need something to make us both feel better about each other (and maybe ourselves?).

But when it really comes to the point…..even if you don’t know what I’m talking about, we need some time.

I need you to get freaked out about things as much as I am. I lay awake at night. I sleep in because I don’t want to deal. We don’t sit on the same couch anymore. We don’t talk. We don’t laugh. Our friends see how separate we are even when we’re sitting together. We are not making each other happy right now.

I can’t make you happy if you don’t make me happy. And vice versa. 

Black to Back!!!

I’m back. I just wrote a huge monologue about shit but it somehow got erased because….whatever.

So I can’t do anything to sum up what’s been going on in my life. I will say that it’s not that easy to write a blog about shit that’s going on when you’re dating someone.

You tell them your stuff and that makes everything else untypeworthy.

And they tell you their stuff.

And you fall in love.

And you break up…but you’re still in love….

So you get back together…

And things are awesome….

So you move in together…

And you’re in love…

But you argue…

And you get happy…

And then you get mad…

And then he moves out…

Just for a minute…

Or a few days…

And the second time…

A week…

And say it can’t be like that again…

To be honest…

But for me…

To be honest….

Would be…

To be a bitch…

Or let go.

Should I wait for him?

To tell me?

How unhappy he is too?

Or do I have to be the

Bad guy who

Has to choose?

A New Page?

Ok…..October 18 at 3:50 a.m.

I’m less than 24 hours away from turning a page in life that I suppose is a big landmark in life.

The big THREE-OH……ohhhhh….

How am I supposed to feel right now? Is 30 supposed to make me automatically more mature and responsible? Or is it supposed to make me FEEL like I should be that? Or is it just another birthday?

I can’t vote on those choices because I guess to me it’s maybe a mix of the three. Guess that’s how politics work. You agree with some aspects and disagree with others……

So I suppose turning 30 is a big election of my mind. One side is saying that I just automatically receive something, one side is saying that once I’m there….I’ll be the one you wanted to vote for….. and the other is saying that just one year will not change anything in particular.

Okay, I’m not going to take the analogy too far and say that my different thoughts about turning thirty represent anything really theoretically political. But maybe the only way I can relate the two is that it’s a crap shoot. Some aspects are appealing while others might feel a little less comfortable or easy to swallow. Every aspect.

My desire to stay a young, virile, funloving, throw-caution-to-the-wind kind of person is sometimes in opposition of my desire to grow up and have the respect, honor, and general life of stability.

Is there a happy medium?

I’d like to think that people in general know that I am a crazy and spontaneous person but at the same time have a solid head on my shoulders and understand the time and place for both sides of the spectrum.

But that makes it sound like one has to flip a coin and that’s what you get for the day. I don’t think I’m one or the other. I’m on the fence.

As far as GETTING respect just because I’ve turned a page in my decades of years, I don’t think that has anything to do with age.

I don’t expect respect from someone until I deserve it. But at the same token, I am one who gives people the benefit of the doubt from the getgo. I give them respect first and foremost….before they may have given me a reason to give them that respect.

Is that some kind of disconnect??? Am I being unfair to myself and overly fair to my peers? Or am I being fair to myself and not really caring about the personalities around me?

I am and have always have been someone who knows a ton of people. But there are only a very few who I let in. And at the same token, those very few are usually the only people who bear any impression to me. I’ve never really been one who cares what everybody thinks about me. In fact, I’m more the person to be over the top but yet aloof to everyone around me but those few who are  ‘mine.’

People can readily find my quirks. Yes, I figure that generally the people who associate with me know I’m a bit quirky…..but there is a difference between seeing and experiencing them and understanding and accepting them without question.

Shit, I guess my philosophy is an an old one. We have our believers and we have our skeptics in our lives. Those who are believers in our lives are those who don’t need a reason to believe other than what we’ve already given them. The skeptics have yet to figure us out.

And we will always have skeptics. That’s what makes life…..life! I’m not talking about IMPRESSING people….I think it all comes down to respect.

Not everyone will be our champions in life. There have to be the skeptics to make the believers who they are.

I play my part. I play both roles, just as I feel every real person should. I understand that I can’t like everybody and everybody can’t like me. As much as it’s hard to admit, it’s easy to revel in each role.

I love my believers to the depth of my heart. Perhaps there are only a token few, but I know who they are. And it’s easy to know where they stand. So then perhaps they don’t weigh on my mind like my opponents…..

As much as I’m a glutton for praise, I’m also a glutton for criticism. Those people that are my skeptics……at times I challenge them to give me a reason for them to be skeptical. And perhaps in turn that gives me a reason to strive for better….not necessarily in order to better myself, but to prove those skeptics wrong.

Like a little (thumb on nose with fingers outspread and waving) ‘na na nanana……’

Sophomoric. But just as I look back and think that my thoughts are sophomoric, I also think that every self aware person is the same.

I don’t do things to try to impress people. (Ok, that’s not totally true because I don’t care if you’re a NFL quarterback or the the last chair trumpeter in your high school band….you’re trying to impress SOMEBODY….but in general……) I Don’t think that I have much of a showboat bone in my body. I’m too self conscious. Maybe my skeptics give me more credit than I deserve……..

Big facade, small little boxy building. It’s a cosmetic fix for something that’s lacking.

But I suppose everybody has their version of that, even that star NFL quarterback.

And it’s quite possible that that pimply awkward shy last chair brass player will eventually have it together more mentally than that perfect teeth smile abs star football player. I’m a firm follower in the thinking that you value things (both physically and mentally) more the harder they are to procure.

What is easy to come by is less coveted than what is cultivated and nurtured for a lifetime.

And I digress….(lol always wanted to say that)

My turning 30 doesn’t change me or how people see me. On October 19, 2009 I will still be the same happy sad fun boring tired awake mean nice rude complimentary drunk sober right wrong person that I am and always will be.

The Particles…

So I’m a fan of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” There is a scene in which the little cowboy kid who watches too much television decides that he’s going to, as the rest of the bad little kids, experiment on something they should not. Well, this cowboy kid went through the particles and became small enough to be on Mr. Wonka’s television.
If you watch the movie like I have, you’ll remember the ‘particles’ that floated above everybody’s head in the process of Mr. Bang Bang kid to become one of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid……..and what was his demise?
Well I find myself right now as those ‘particles.’ I’m in perpetual motion; not really knowing what’s going to happen on the other side.
What’s on the other side? I don’t want to be particles….
Texas is calling….but is it?
School is calling….but how can I move on when I’m waiting for Texas?
I want Texas to call my name. No bluff. Just real. I could do it and would if Texas just called for me.
But I’m not sure that will happen.
And then I think I’ll just do it on my own. I do know that I need to get the eff out of the situation that I’m in. I’m not happy really. And life is too short to be unhappy.
School is a really great option. I need to do that. But I suppose I have until December to figure it out.
And I won’t let Texas go at this point. I need that Texan. I want that Texan.
But at the same time I feel like I need a BIG fucking change in my life and if it’s getting enough balls to move to T by myself….I need that.
I should just grow a pair and get the fuck out of here even if it’s hard for a bit. As long as I can pay for my house and my cell…….I’m still young enough to pick up and go.
I hate my day job. And Louie freaks the fuck out of me and I can’t do anything right. Despite my love for my job with my mother……I’ve got to do SOMETHING! And if I went to the extreme and got the fuck outta here……it’s scary. But….if I’m going to do it I better do it now. And if Texas doesn’t work……well, at least I tried.
And for me to not try will eat me up inside if I don’t do SOMETHING….fuck this place that I love so much.
I’m not codependent. But that Texan has me thinking and considering myself a ‘particle.’
I want to not be a particle for very long. Something’s goota give. Either me getting out and doing my shit or going to Texas to really do something crazy.
Might be time for something crazy. I’m only young once.

Too Loud to Say…

Hey y’all, I know it’s been forever. But I’m just writing to say that I’ve got a one track mind these days. Not for so many days but I don’t think that necesarily matters.

My mind is on my man. Who I met in the most improbable ways. I didn’t think it would last. Like all the others. I showed him a part of me that not too many people know about…and that was right away. I was leery.

But despite my worries, I feel that he is the one for me at this point. I brag about him to all. But am I setting myself up for something?

I think he’s excited to see me. And maybe impressed that I would fly miles and miles to see him.

Miss him more than miles can say. He mellows me. I need him to mellow me.

I go a thousand miles equipped with my wit and recipes to make him happy. But still it’s just me. And it’s just him. What are his expectations?

What do we have in common I was asked. To be honest, I’m not quite sure except for the fact that we are…..maybe ready to deal with eachother. And be happy to know and accept eachother’s faults. I love the faults that he’s given me and expect more. And I think he knows some of mine.  But I feel that I want to tell him more. Lots more. And I hope that he feels that same way.

I love that he is dedicated to his daughter. And I love that I’m respectful of that. And I love his demeanor when he’s around me. He knows that he doesn’t have to dote on me, which makes me feel that I don’t always have to dote on him.

Though at this point, I’m willing to dote. But only to a point because I know (think) he doesn’t want someone to be doting and or needy.

I know he knows that I’m a pretty independent gal. But I can’t stop the nagging feeling that I DO need him. I am starting to feel that I can’t not be his baby.

His friends are excited to meet me. Ok, well the one I’ve spoken to. His heeler. In roping terms. That is a huge friendship. And this guy wants to know me. So at least I know that my man has been talking at least a little. Especially when this friend said that I would get along with his wife. I asked why and he said that my man said that I’m an open and fun person. And get along with people.

I think maybe I proved that to him the night before he left. I had gotten off work and wanted to mellow out and relax for a bit and my man was already out and socializing. We talked for a bit and he made a point of making sure that I was ok with him fraternizing with people while I mellowed out for a bit. Of course, my mind was with him and I respected him for letting me know that he was with me but while I was mellowing out, he would be chit-chatting. Kissed me. Eventually I came around and that was the night that he told me he was falling for me hard.

I was falling for him too for the same reasons.  We can be together but not worry necessarily about being hip to hip all the time.

But now that it’s a far away relationship (and I DO consider it a relationship, despite my normal tendencies), it makes everything different. The term ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ is growing more and more of a belief for me.

I have days that I don’t hear from him. Like three or four days. And I start freaking out. I get pissy (sorry to those who have to deal with me), but in the end, at least for now, I get tenpence back.

I know my man is excited to have me down in his element and his town. I just have to keep in mind that it’s harder for men sometimes (especially in front of roping buddies and his daughter) to spout what he feels. I just have an innate feeling that he is feeling me and how I feel about being away from him; it’s just harder for him to express it than it is for me at this point.

Some women would worry that there might be another woman in the picture of a long distance relationship. For some reason I have no feeling that he would do that. I suppose that if that were to happen he would be in the perfect situation to just stop communication completely. I first think that he’s more respectable than that, and I don’t think that he would disrespect me.  Second, he would not have told his heeler that I was coming to visit and also let me talk to this man….if he wasn’t stoked. Yeah, Texas is a big state….but I think he knows a bit about the rumor mill.

I think that I can trust him. I do trust him. Now I will meet his heeler’s wife. I’ve been told that we’ll get along….I am more worried about that than how my man and I will.

Granted we don’t have a lot in common, but at the same time……I’m a supporter as long as my man is a supporter in return. In the long run I suppose….as long as we are dedicated to eachother and support eachother in our endeavors…..that’s what life is to me.

In a perfect world at this exact point that I’m writing right now……I will support him in he and his heeler’s roping endeavors….and be there for all the highs and lows. And of course beyond that. I will help him as much as I possibly can. I have not said that in my life but….maybe never. I will be a friend to his daughter and give her as much as I can. I want to meet her and be a cool person in her life.

Ok, I’m a supporter, that I’m willing to give. Now here are mine…..can he support me me in any endeavor that I choose to undertake? It’s no secret that I want to expand my trade knowledge. Is he willing to stay with me with just the knowledge that I’m coming home to he and his daughter every night and also want to expand my education?

Basically can we find a way to find both of our dreams? WOW.

Talk about empiphany……

I want to be with him. And I want to support him. Do our support systems mesh????

I want him to suceed. Can he do that for me? I really hope that we can accomplish things together with eachother’s support.