Now up to date and sad/excited

January 27, 2008 1:40 a.m.

Tonight was a great night. I gathered three of my favorite gals together and we had a beautiful and jovial evening together at one of the great restaurants in the valley. And bonus for me, the boy that I’ve been hanging with happens to work there. So the dinner was fabulous and the server (to me) hot. And the conversation consisted of four outspoken women loving the company of each other.

I in the past I have not been a fan of girlfriends. But these days they are my knights in shining armor. My girls are my life.

Recently I have met Bronny, a beautiful 45 year old Aussie that has turned into a girl that fits into my friend group. Brazen, honest, hot, and fun. I love her and I think the two gals that I hold dearest to me love her as well.

It’s always great to see Mr. M. He’s hot, young and we have a great (if not uncommitted) time. Following dinner we kissed and we met later across the street at the local watering hole.

We always talk about how shitty he feels in his job (his boss is an ass and absolutely takes advantage of he and his friend). He apologizes for bitching about his job but I like that he feels comfortable talking to me about his problems.

So he was tired and he promised that we would hang tomorrow when he got done snowboarding. I should make a point of riding with him before he leaves.

So Heather, this guy Todd (who has a crush on H) went to the Wolf, another, closer to home, watering hole and hung out for a while.

But all I can think of is hanging out with that boy tomorrow. He did tell me that I could stay with him tonight but I figured that it would be better if we hung out when he wants to.

So hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. I think he likes me and I know he’s leaving in April but I’d like to be with him when I can. Call me silly, and whipped or whatever. But he’s fun to be around.

So anyway, we were hanging at the Wolf and another friend of ours gave me a ride home. And then I get a text message from H….

Todd was stalking she and our friend! He has no reason to think that she is his. But regardless…

And now we are sitting here and she is listening to the multiple messages from her boyfriend who said that he wasn’t going to bother her this evening…13 calls is….not something that I would stand for if I was in a relationship. But it’s not my relationship to take judgment on.

He hates it when she hangs out with me. At one point the guy sent her a text message saying that he wants to be more like me so she will want to hang out with him more.

And now I’m rambling because H is here and I don’t feel in my element to write.

So there will be more at a later date.

January 17, 2008

January 17, 2008
12:37 a.m.

I am officially pissed off and completely confused. This evening at my favorite watering hole the owner of the bar, who I am good friends with and whom I have had many conversations in confidence about myself and others, called my best friend fat.

I will not start defending her now as everyone knows that just for someone to even say that about someone knowing that it is your best friend…is stupid and wrong. You may have your own opinions about someone’s size and stature thereof, but NEVER tell their best friend that you think that of them.

And now, I will defend. My girl is NOT fat. She is not as small as me, but I’m nothing to compare to as I’m (as some people say it) teensy weensy. I do NOT feel this way about myself.

Everyone has their complexes. I know I’m a small girl but I would like to lose 10 or 15 pounds in order to make myself feel great about my body.

I think that in no way shape or form is my girl fat. She has had a child and maybe not as thin as she once was, but she is beautiful in my eyes. If she should lose weight, we ALL need to lose weight. America has become an obese country and I do not believe for one inkling of a second that she is obese. Not even close.

She, like most of us, would like to lose some pounds. And she’s being proactive about the whole situation. She has started running every day for an hour or so. I, for one, am so freaking proud of her for actually making an effort to be a little more active and PROactive about what her health is about. That is so much more than I can say about myself.

I have an ab-lounger machine that I was given over a year ago now. And to be honest, I’ve probably used it a dozen times. In a year and some months. And it’s in my house. I could be using it now…but instead I choose to sit here and bawl about what people are saying about my best friend.

But that does always make me wonder what people say about me behind my back. This is a small town. And I’ve heard my share of actually really funny rumors about me. At one point I was having an affair with my married cousin. It makes it funny because first, he’s my cousin, number two, he’s married. But the funniest thing is that I would NEVER in my life think that he’s worth my time or that he’s my type or that I’d even GO there in the first place. To me, he’s icky. But let those incomprehensible rumors spread. That’s fine with me.

But I’m sure people say things about me. In a small town you can’t get away from that. And really, I don’t care; I’d just like to be a fly on the wall sometimes.

I guess I’m just really upset that someone of whom I thought was a friend of not only me, but also of my best friend, thinks this of someone of whom I put in such high self esteem.

I am an extremely loyal friend. Savagely.  You wrong my friends, you wrong me. And I get protective and pissed when anything is said behind a friend’s back. And more than not, they will eventually know…or that person will know my disdain in what they had said. I am fiercely devoted because they are my sisters and brothers and family means everything to me.

And then me and this bar owner, who like I’ve said before, is also someone I consider to be a great friend (though sometimes a bit gruff), got chatting about my choice of men (in more words than that). Well basically he was telling me that I needed to stop and think about the men that I date. We were chatting about the most recent, and how he has no car and not really a leg to stand on. I was asking him how in the world was it right that I date a guy who has nothing really going for him and really not much ambition. While I have a house, a car, two jobs and ambition to make ends meet. First he said that it was pretty lame that I ended up with these types of guys. And then he started sort of railing on me thinking that I am some big thing.

I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else. But I must say that I’ve done what I can and everything that I can to be a successful woman at 28 years old. And I have to say that most 28 year old men that I meet don’t have what I have. Yes, I’ve had some help. But I wouldn’t be getting that help if those people who have helped me along the way didn’t know that I am a hard worker and reliable in the things that I get involved in. My mother would not do so much for me as she has if she didn’t know that I work for what I get from her. And neither would I have this house if Mom’s ex didn’t see some potential in me.

So I suppose as far as I’m concerned, I’m doing quite well for myself. Granted, I get a lot of help from friends and family. But I never take advantage of the situation. I am a happy person in general, a hard worker, and a good friend and person.

And if you feel otherwise…let me know. Because constructive criticism is the

January 16, 2008

January 16, 2008
12:22 a.m.

One of my best friends’ boyfriends told me the other night to ‘shut up’ after I asked him not to talk badly about me in front of my face. And he proceeded to yell at her right at the bar saying that she had not invited her out with her. For the record, I was there when she told him over the phone that he was indeed invited.

So tonight after work they were both at Dave’s. We talked for a while and she invited me to a table consisting of her boyfriend. I told her that, no, I would not join him at a table after what he’d said to me and what he’d done to her.

I have told people about the incident and they feel that it’s a very immature thing for him to do that night. And I had kept my cool that night and not lashed out on him like I normally would have. I don’t know if it was the company that  I was with or the fact that she would have been in so much more trouble if I’d caused a scene…but unlike me, I backed down. And now she wants us to sit at the same table together. Nada.

I feel really extremely sad that he and I have a rift between the two of us. I know the last thing that she needs right now is that.

But I’d tried to befriend him again after all the other shit that’s gone on and this is the last straw. We have a repertoire of not getting along with each other since he and Heather have been dating. But I feel that I always try. And we have had our arguments but I always try to bring it back to being able to hang out with her when we both want to.

But…there has always been something that he does to make our relationship a strain. From him telling her that she does everything that I say to him saying that she is a different person when she hangs out with ME (as I’m the fucking devil) and telling me to shut up… I don’t know if I can forgive all of that without an apology.

And a friend of mine mentioned that it was pretty shitty that SHE didn’t stand up for me when he told me to shut up. But the matter of the fact is that she doesn’t stick up for herself sometimes and I want to stick up for her. But with them, I won’t. I know that would be worse in the end.

But it does make me think…she won’t stand up and tell him when he’s treating her son badly and won’t stand up when he’s talking shit to me.

I love this girl to death, I have two best friends in the whole wide world but if one of my friends/boyfriends told HER to shut up…. There would be hell to pay. And if not hell, ME to pay.

And it’s funny that I’m listening to a song by Lily Allen saying “if you’re gonna play with fire you’re going to get burned….I don’t know who you think you are but making people scared won’t get you very far….”

I suppose that if my girl and that fucking guy end up working out I will support her until our deaths. But  it is extremely hard for me to support them together. He is an obsessive, insecure and overbearing person that my girl should not be subjected to. He should be a little (or a lot) more trusting of her and realize that she is the same person around him as she is around me or her family or anybody else in the world.

I know she loves him. And that’s fine. He just needs to get over his insecurities and realize that she is a happier person when, from time to time, he lets her do what SHE wants to, even when he’s not there.

I feel that I’ve done everything that I can to make amends. Maybe not to the point of being great friends with him, but to the point that we can be with her at the same time and I won’t be a bitch to him. But after the reaction that I got last Saturday, I’m over it.

January 11, 2008

January 11, 2008

Well, tonight I received tattoo number five.

Delacey and I had always talked about getting our signature ‘finger moustache’ tattoos. And tonight we did it.

Funny, we ended up at the hotel in Tetonia. A guy I’d met a while ago is a tattoo artist and he is proficient in the art. So a month or so ago he and I had the plan for him to do the simple but fun work. But unfortunately I and my friends got too drunk to drive to where he was.

So tonight I ended up at Dave’s (go figure) and I don’t exactly know how it happened but as happenstance Mookie showed up at the bar and the next thing I know we are both at the hotel getting our tattoos.

I went first.

A tattoo on the inside of your index finger should hurt. But it is small. And easy to deal with when my best friend is there next to me. And the fact that he was performing the act out of his hotel room…I trusted his hand and he was happy to oblige.

And I took one look and fell in love. My ‘stache’ is the coolest tattoo ever and it’s just discreet enough that I can hide it in between my fingers.

And then came Delacey’s turn. I thought for a moment that she was going to back out. But she’d seen me go through the permanent situation and she knew she couldn’t back down. So I held her hand, as she’d done mine, through her tattoo.

And now it’s over. And this little thing is going to not only be with me for the rest of my life but will also bind myself and Delacey together forever. And it will be the funniest tattoo that I’ve ever and that I probably ever will ever get.

I hope that I can entertain and love this new addition for a very long time.

January 10, 2008

January 10, 2008

So now I think Sam is crushing on me. Saw him at Dave’s after I got off work and he was doing his usual rounds. We chatted and laughed for a minute before he left to continue his evening of work. He talked about getting busted by his boss Nanci watching Tom & Jerry when he was supposed to be working. I thought that was cute…who doesn’t love T&J?

I got home and once again, my driveway is not only meticulously plowed but again my deck is free of snow. And this time I know it was him. A sweet considerate fun man that has a crush on me….what a change…

I need to repay him somehow. But it can’t be in fares or tips. Something that is personal to him…I will pay attention to his conversations in order to get him back for the kindness he has shown me. Perhaps it would be funny to buy him a DVD of T&J…or maybe a gift certificate to the North End…we shall see.

But this kindness will not go unnoticed.

January 9, 2008

January 9, 2008

Tonight. Not much but the realization that I really love talking music to people.
And lately I’ve been running into this gentleman, Kent (and it’s funny that I wrote a story about him when I worked for the paper and I still forget his name), and we talk about music and other things very leisurely and everything seems so easy with him. And I have to admit that at one point this evening I thought there was an attraction. But this man is not my attraction.  But I do so love talking music and shooting the shit with him.
But Patty Griffin…she is my love. I remember listening to her for the first time at the Victor Emporium. My boss Kim was a fan and I instantly fell in love the first time I took care of Kim’s house when she was out of town. And now, as I listen to the one song that she speaks in what I assume is French, still moves me. I close my eyes and I am falling in love somewhere….And it reminds me of old movies and the subtitles of those foreign movies that I have always been in love with.
And Shawn was unable to appreciate the subtitles. And he fell asleep. He said we spent a waking two hours together but it was really not that long because he chose not to be able to read subtitles.
And Patty… she is one who I can sleep with every night and feel validated in every burnt out candle that I have blown out but then she will give me the strength to light that flame once again…
Then I have Mr. P….. the cute single young unavailable man in my life. It’s known to the both of us that we are into each other. But he’s scared to have a ‘girlfriend.’ And he plans on moving home to Washington in April. There is no hope there.  But maybe…at least for the time being.
And then there’s really fucking goddamned mofo Jonny B.
Since I was young the two of us have had some fucked up repertoire. I have learned lately that any thought of commitment is going to drag him to the dredges of not wanting to see me for a while. And I’ve learned that…but there is something between the two of us that may never go away as much as both of us at times would like to go away.
But it has lingered for years now and I wonder how it will ever progress or cease to exist. So does he in his scared heart love me deep down inside? Or am I just a person that he feels comfortable with for certain life loves?
I will just say that if I never see him again (which I’m confident I will) I will love that man and wonder what could have been if he had let his guard down.
Please let your guard down.
And it’s getting to the time that I should be in bed but here I am, pouring out to a screen. They say that getting it out is the best therapy.
Maybe like Patty I should be making pies.

January 5, 2008

January 5, 2008

The other day I took Winston home in between jobs. I normally don’t do that, he just hangs in my car at the restaurant while I work. But it was too cold that evening for him to be stuck in my car.

When I dropped him off I noticed that my driveway had been almost meticulously plowed. Now, I have Tim Beard plow my driveway for beers (yet it seems I have yet to pay), but he only has a backhoe to use. So this plow job was above and beyond what a backhoe could do…

And then I went to my deck and someone had shoveled the front part of my deck that was nearly barring me from my front door. (I’ll admit at this point that I am lazy.)

At first I figured that Tim had seen the snow piling on my deck and had gone above his beer duties and done a very nice thing for me.

And then I divert. We have recently accrued a local taxi service in the valley. Of course, I have befriended them and they take me places so I don’t have the chance of gaining trouble with the law. They, Sam and Nanci, now know where I live and are more than happy to accommodate whenever I call.

So Sam picks up a crew of us at the bar this evening and drops off a gang of wiley friends before taking me the 15 or so miles home. Sam and I are comfortable with each other and we get to chatting and he reveals that HE was the one who did such the beautiful act of kindness! I was, of course, extremely grateful and all he had to say was that he hated to see me struggle to get out of my house when they were waiting for me in my driveway.

This is an act of kindness that I hope doesn’t go unnoticed when it really matters. He is a volunteer firefighter in the valley too and sacrifices his weekends to keep us safe and off the roads. He is a person of whom we should all take example from.

Cheers to Sam!

The first post

January 4, 2008 1:17 a.m.

Allright. New computer. New ideas. New abilities! Thoughts may fall freely from this brain at random times that perhaps I can look back on at a later date and see the folly of my thoughts.

So thus is the beginning of a deftly read saga of the life and times of an individual that tends to live her life as a single female. The single life I love. But there have been many fallen, and many to come. But the life as a serial single is the current category I prefer to be in.

But do I??? Just driving home from the bar tonight I found myself absolutely aching for a certain someone that I know is not now and probably never will be attainable. Yeah, I set my standards high.

This certain man enveloped me from the get go. Our first encounter was fall of 2006. He personified everything that at that point in my life I wanted for myself. Successful, happy, fun loving and gorgeous in a very sophisticated and professional way. Through a sea of Carhartt he was the most beautiful in his slightly baggy but chic jeans, black button down shirt and a smile that could melt ice cream in a freezer.

Ironically we met at the local redneck dive, which happens to be my favorite place to hang when I don’t want to think about the opposite sex. We played darts. We laughed and joked and stole silly glances at each other making us both know that we were interested in each other. As the night waned and we continued to agree with each other’s company, somehow a bond grew.

I woke up in my bed refreshed and excited for the new person in my life. I couldn’t wait for the time that I would talk to or see him again.

But as life goes, I was very cautionarily informed that he was married! Of course I was confused and angry and my feelings were deeply hurt by the sudden loss of someone of whom I felt in such great esteem for only hours ago.

So I opted to not take advantage of the phone number that he had so nimbly given to me the perfect evening before. I planned to tread lightly on the subject (as I never believe what I hear without evidence) or to completely ignore the fact that I‘d spent a night hanging out with a man I thought was wonderful.

But to my surprise he phoned me. Answering that phone may have been both the best and worst thing for me to do at that point. So, of course I answered, wanting answers but also, ah, wanting to hear his voice.  I confronted him about the situation and he had no lies to tell. What I had been hearing was true. Not only was he married but married with four children, his most recent an infant with major health problems. Needless to say I was not only upset….I was enraged! The thought that he would toy with my emotions (I know I’m being selfish here) and the fact that he would so discount what he had, left me so angry that I couldn’t think. I told him to never call me again.

A few or a couple months went by. And as I sit here and write this I can’t remember how it happened. He called, said he was unhappy in his marriage and … I don’t recall.  But needless to say, after much grumbling on my part, he convinced me to meet up with him the next time he was in town (he lived about three hours away from where I live but also worked in my area on occasion).

From there it has now turned into a whirlwind of time spent secretly together. He would come down to work and we would end up going to extravagant dinners, spending time talking for hours and hours. He turned into the first man that I felt absolutely and totally comfortable with talking, joking, and generally spending time with. Despite my knowledge of his situation, marriage, children, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper in love with the man.

And we talked about the situation that we were in all the time. We both knew what we were doing was wrong but it just felt…so right…

I will never forget the time that I traveled to his town for a visit. His wife was out of town with the baby. I was extremely apprehensive about the whole thing. But my feelings got the best of me and I agreed. I was to wait at one of his favorite watering holes until he got the kids to bed and he would let me know what to do.

So I drove three hours and found the place I was to ‘hang’ at. I sat there by myself in the only six person booth that was available, wishing that there was just a random bar stool available at the bar. As I sat there, a few men confronted me asking why I was sitting by myself. Self effacing, I, of course, lied. I was from out of town and my boyfriend who lived in the area was getting off work shortly and meeting me there.

And in my worst form, I had no book with me to get rid of the prying eyes.

After what seemed like days he finally called me with the okay that I was to come over and stay at his house. The babes were cozily in bed with no possible inkling that I was to be there.

I parked in his driveway. I walked in his door ever so creepily so that those sleeping eyes would be closed. We hung out in the TV room, talking in whispers, stealing glances and kisses. Even as I slept fitfully after he went up to assure our privacy made me mad that he wasn’t with me. And I felt mad at myself.

After the fitful night of sleep that I had on the couch of another woman’s husband and the peeping eyes were out of reach I crept out of the house, but he longed for me to meet his three kids in daylight. He gave me the name of a restaurant and said he’d be there to take the kids to breakfast.

So I went. And as it comes I was seated at a table that overlooked any people entering the establishment. And eventually…there he was…with kids in tow.

We acted surprised to see each other and he told the kids that I was a co-worker at his job.

I met them. They were beautiful kids. Polite, shy, smart, saucy but in a way that was respectable. It killed me. I don’t generally like kids but these, were good kids.

They sat at their own table and he and I continued to text message through breakfast until I walked past them after using the restroom on my way out. I cordially told the kids ‘nice to meet you’ and walked out. Before I got to my car he had raced out to say his personal goodbye.

Our relationship, if skeptics will allow me to call it that, lasted quite some time after that. I suppose after I met his kids it became all the more real to me. I’m not one who has a want of children. But he made me not even question that. At some point I resolved that I was willing to be another ‘mom’ to those kids.

Things went on for quite some time after that including me spending a night in a hotel (a very nice hotel that he put me up in) just to be able to spend a few moments with him. He cried on my shoulder about his struggles with the baby that was going to be disabled for the rest of her life. THAT is another time that I will never forget. We talked. We shared dark and deep secrets with each other.

And as these things tend to end, his wife found out about us.

And it was ugly.

She called me.

And then she smashed his phone.

And then he called me saying that everything would work out and that he loved me.

No calls.

And then  a random visit to work. I walked out of the back of the store and we met eyes. My heart stopped. I would like to think that his did too. We chatted, as I had some time in between customers at that time. We hugged. He said ‘I’ll call you.’

There was one, maybe two, calls after that. Or maybe there weren’t any. It’s hard for me to say.

But really…nothing.

Nothing.

There are too many things that trigger our times together. Places, songs…even words.

And I write this tonight because I was driving home and a song on the radio made me think, once again, about him. After all this heartache, it happens more than I’d like to admit.

I’m dating again. I like the men that I’m dating. They have their goods and their bads just like any relationship tends to be for me. Mostly the bads outweigh the goods. But I know I am just comparing to what he and I had…

But I’ve never made a mix cd for a man since the one I made for him and never felt like I wanted to. I listen to the one that I never was able to give to him. It’s great.

He only had one really big bad. And there was nothing else that I cared about. I think that we were in love. And I still believe that now after all this time. No phone calls, no nothing. And really I hope that his life is a happy one and that he is doing what he needs to do without me.