Stupid me……..

Allright…just sent this email. And those of you who read what I’ve written, you will know who I wrote it to. Maybe I shouldn’t be left alone.

Here it is, pasted and copied….

So no reply how you are doing? You know what? You owe it to me to at least tell me no. I fucking still think about you every day and I haven’t been able to be in a relationship since I met you. And I don’t know what to do about it.
Closure….I’ve heard that it’s the best way to get out of something. And with you…I never have had any closure.
Shit, I’ve missed you every day since the time that you told me ‘I’ll call you.’ And even though it’s been almost a year since I’ve heard that voice, I still am screwed up in the head about you.
And I know this is not what you want to hear and this is not something that I should be writing. But PLEASE….I need something from you that will stop me thinking about what we had (as wrong as it was)!
Basically, I’m being absolutely honest with you right now (a couple glasses of wine will do that to me) but I need SOMETHING….
Unfortunately, what I said was true way back then…I love you. And even more unfortunately…my brain still does too.
So help me would you???

Without a left pinky finger…

Allright. And for the record, this may be a short lived blog post because the finger that I fucked up about a month or so ago….I’ve fucked up again just by bumping it. And it sucks to type.

I’m sad and confused and really torn about a certain situation in my life.

It’s my girl H. I love this girl to the depths of my heart. I consider her to be one of probably three people I tell everything about myself to.

And that is waning. Those gaaaals of whom I absolutely trust I talk to all the time. One I don’t see a whole ton because she’s married with children and her whole house thing going. Miss G. Love her. She I think lives vicariously through my trials and tribulations. And that makes me feel like I’m at least getting to someone with my spilling my beans for everyone to see and read.

The other, the Devine Miss D, is my knight in shining armor, even though she feels she has no armor herself.

And then there’s Miss. H. She is the chica that I have, who though I tell all three of them eventually, has been there nearly immediately. I would like to think that I have been the same to her.

And, though I’m there for all of them as soon as I can, I seem to have always been available for her whenever she needs a shoulder. And like all friendships, you can’t be there ALL the time. But she is special.

And this Miss. H, I am used to seeing her at least once a week (and it sounds like a really dependent situation but I’d like to think that was a two way street) but I haven’t seen her for going on two weeks.

And I know she has a (beautiful and super sweet) babe, but I know that is not the problem.

I know it’s the person of whom she sleeps with, at this point I name him Mr. A.

He is an asshole. When things are good with HIM things are good with them. And when HE’S pissed off it makes her cry and it causes a strain in not only their relationship but ours as well.

To boot, he has disrespected me (and in my opinion) my best girl too many times to the point that an apology (of which at least I have not received) may not suffice.

Miss. H has told me through text that Mr. A(sshole) wants to reconcile. All I could respond is ‘I won’t do that.’

Call me stubborn. But in my mind I’m not being stubborn. I’m being a realist. He doesn’t have anything to say to me until the moment that he admits to me that he thinks (among other huge things that he won’t discuss) that it’s my fault that they didn’t work out in the past.

Oh wait….he’s already said that. So what’s he going to say next?

At least he could call me himself instead of using Miss. H as a pawn.

Whatever. Basically I’ve lost. I feel that it would make my girl’s life better if I didn’t cause any problems so I will stand back and let her go through the motions with this man who eventually will, once again, hurt her.

But I’m over fighting for her. He can have her. And I will be here to pick up the pieces when all of those wonderful pieces of the puzzle don’t quite fit right.

To change subjects, because I need to, Mr. M.

He has only limited weeks here now. It’s growing closer and closer to the time that he will move away from this valley and I may never see him again. And I can’t decide on two things that are going through his head right now.

1: He doesn’t want to get too attached because he’s moving away.

2: He’s just not into me.

Here is my backing to 1.

When he decided that he’s leaving, I was fine with that. I figured from that very moment that we could have fun and enjoy each other’s company until he left. That was my mindset. And we discussed that together and agreed. And he was fine with that as well. And we do have (this is only my side) fun when we hang out.

But….then there’s option two….

(And I’m listening at this very moment “Portions for Foxes” by Rilo Kiley……bad news…..)

There’s the thought lingering in my mind that he’s just not into me. But that thought really flits into my mind, does a little bit of damage, and then flits its way out.

But I suppose, the damage was done this weekend more than I could see before. Sunday his friends were out and he wasn’t. And he wasn’t out with his friends on Monday either. Monday isn’t surprising but Sunday is one of his ‘weekend’ nights.

We are wont to not be in close contact during the week. And that’s really fine with me because I work just as much as he does (or more) during the week.

But through the weekend and even recently have tried to make contact with him via text message about funny stuff or whatever (he’s mentioned that he doesn’t like the ‘hey what’s up’ text or phone messages. So I don’t do that.). But I just happen to have purchased (and he’s gotten me addicted to it as well) a video that he hasn’t ever seen that is part of his favorite tv show. So I texted him today that I had gotten something in the mail that he would like to see. I guess not telling him was my way of giving him the opportunity to be curious.

But since I last saw him and hung out with him he has not responded to a single text. He usually, in the past, has at least responded. So what is my deal now? Has he totally cut me off???? I have no idea what to think.

And my girl has said not to do anything. But I couldn’t help it today when I got that DVD in the mail. But I suppose I left it in his hands and if he’s curious…he’ll let me know. Maybe I should have told him what I have?

I suppose that if I don’t get an answer during the week I will leave this gift in my car and if it’s happenstance that we run into each other…well then he will get to see what I have for him.

Otherwise….be strong girl…(and you all tell me to be strong)……

Boys suck. Haven’t even gotten into past shit that has recently stirred itself back into my life…but I suppose when it’s time, I’ll be writing about it.

But it may be too hard to write about because there really isn’t much to write about and the people who I needed to know already do. But if there happens to be more to what happened, I may need to get more off my chest.

Hint: Got contact from the guy that my first blog was about the other day…..

An actually good Friday night

Well, I had a great time tonight. I met up with my girl D and we went and had a fabulous dinner at mom’s restaurant (shared a medium rare rib eye and split a lobster tail) and then I headed over to my watering hole.

Was feeling pretty jovial and then guess who was there (and in the back of my mind I knew he would) was the one and only Mr. No Car.

At first I was somewhat nervous. We haven’t spoken since our (if you can call it that) ‘falling out.’ But surprisingly enough, he didn’t approach me and I didn’t have to face an awkward convo with him. Not sure what I or he would have said. But nonetheless he didn’t even try to talk to me whatsoever.

For some reason that hurts my feelings. But I know that it shouldn’t.

On a side note, I ran into my old editor at the newspaper, Mr. Edit. We chatted for a while and it was a great conversation. Later in the evening he asked if I know how to dance. Well, that’s a silly question…I’m not the greatest swing dancer but I’ve had my lessons from the greatest in the valley.

So we danced. And when we got off the dance floor he noted that I was actually a good dancer.

I suppose that I should mention at this point that I’ve always had a small crush on the guy. So it was nice to see him again and definitely nice to get a chance to have a fun dance with him.

Anyway….had a blast tonight and my girl T wants to go to the cutter races tomorrow with me. I wasn’t planning on doing anything but cleaning my house. But she wants to go and she can’t go with all the guys because she thinks it would make her boyfriend feel bad (mad?).

And for me, anything besides cleaning house sounds like a good time to me…so I gave her my number and if she calls in the morning…we shall go to the cutter races. Otherwise I’m sleeping in and then cleaning my house and thinking up ways that I can strategically place myself in Mr. M’s sights tomorrow.

And one of the other A’s is having a birthday tomorrow and I’d like to take her out for a good time. Maybe if I go to the cutter races I will kidnap her and we will go to the races and spend the evening in J-Hole.

Far fetched…but a fun idea for her day!

To me it’s Virgin Day

Well, I have a grain of salt toward Valentine’s Day. I’m usually single and I am also not necessarily a fan of this Hallmark holiday. And I expect nothing when I’m single; it means just a wee bit when I’m taken.

So I don’t think this year I would call myself ‘taken.’ I do have Mr. M. who made it an absolute point to tell me that he thought it was a corporate holiday.

But I don’t really have him. Which really it’s fine….sorta. My thoughts are mixed.

So today I deemed ‘V’ day not Valentines day but Virgin’s Day. Granted I’m not a virgin (well that’s the most far from the mark and pretty silly really), I AM a Valentines virgin this time, and to be honest I don’t remember any great February 14ths that I’ve ever experienced.

I do remember a Valentine’s Day when I was in Key West with Mr. Thumb. (I give him this name because he was the type of man who needed to have a little oversight on me every waking moment.) We were on a wonderful vacation in the most beautiful place (to me) in the states, Key West, Fla. Not to say that our whole trip was flitted by regular arguments at this point in our relationship, but you always think that on a great vacation…things will be different. So We ended up being in a superb and gorgeous room in the best part of Key West on V day. And I mentioned to him (when we were stopped at a grocery store in the mid afternoon) what day it was…. He came out with a bouquet of flowers that he’d bought inside the store. It was a really sweet gesture but….I’d reminded him of the fact before he went in. But the biggest thing was that we got into a huge argument later that day about what we were doing that evening and I ended up going to the Sunset Festival alone.

And so V Day has not ever gotten really much better than that. And, if you ask me, that’s not a great story.

So, to digress, I’m calling it Virgin Day because I haven’t had sex ON Valentine’s Day in SOOOO long. Which is fine. It’s my Virgin Day.

But really, (like Mr. M. says and in the very end I believe it too) it is just a Hallmark Holiday. I would like to think that the Hallmark company and florists make more money than Donald Trump and Bill Gates do put together on this certain day. Well, I may have to include restaurants to get to their point but…..you get MY point.

And for me….here’s a shout out to my guuuurls…they are my Valentines not necessarily because I don’t have some boy but because they treat me like it’s V-Day every day to them. They treat me like a princess and I have the most special relationship with my girls than I can find in the opposite sex! Cheers girls! I love you to death…you are my faves and those of whom I can trust with nearly everything. And I know you won’t judge. And if you do it’s for my own good….

On a separate level…Cosmo Radio made me think. Apparently there are two categories of ‘hook-ups.’ First, I thought I understood the difference between ’strings attached’ and ‘no strings attached.’ Well, one of the girls at Cosmo Radio really made me wonder what the difference is…

Well, I suppose I thought that the term ’strings attached’ means that the two involved are more than just hookups.

And the definition of ‘no strings attached’ fall more in the (if not a LITTLE more) category of ‘booty call’ or ‘one night stand.’

If you hang out for one reason, and one reason only (and we know what THAT reason is), then, after more than one time, it’s not a one night stand. And if you only call each other to (well I’ll just go there) get laid….well then that’s a booty call.

So ’strings attached,’ I suppose, means that you hang out with someone for more than just hooking up but the two also hang out just to hang out? And there is eventually the ‘hook up?’

Well, with my predictions of the preceding writing, where do Mr. M. and I stand? We don’t talk during the week (maybe one or two text messages), but we do end up hanging out on the weekends and sometimes just sleep together and sometimes sleep with each other.

So what is your definition of these terms….and how should I deal with my sitch?

Some kind of friendship…

This evening a man of whom I’ve known for a very very very very long time confided in me that he is most likely getting divorced.

First of all, he and I are absolutely polar opposites. But we have known each other for so long that, despite our differences, he knows that he can talk to me. And he tells me that the reason that his wife are ‘battling’ is because he spoke with a woman and her boyfriend. Apparently his wife flew off the handle, along with her wedding ring, across the bar last Saturday night.

Well, I don’t know the whole story because I wasn’t there and I don’t know he and his wife’s situation, but it did make me feel really sad. I suppose if you don’t make some compromises, you can lose your soul mate within a moment’s notice.

Not that I’m in that situation right now but this man was at points so absolutely stricken by his predicament that it made my heart hurt for him. And really, I could give no advice.

And later in the evening, I met a friend, who also has had a huge crush on me for a very long time…

This friend, Mr. Sweets, is a guy who makes me always smile with his compliments and open infatuation with me. And I know he would treat me like gold. My only problem is that he and I really don’t have a ton in common and he’s absolutely not my type. There is somewhat an attraction for me just because he is so flattering and sweet at nearly every moment that he gets a chance toward me. But really, in the deepest part of me, I don’t see me being attracted to him in a bigger way.

I sometimes wish that I felt that way for him. I know he would treat me so well and give me the attention that I so much wish that Mr. M. doesn’t always do. But, unfortunately, I just can’t find any physical attraction toward him. Mr. Sweets would treat me like a princess.

But I suppose that this is a case in point that in order for a relationship (of course other than friendship) to work has to include some sort of physical attraction. I love this man and he is one of the most thoughtful people I know in this valley.

We are just different people. And I suppose I don’t have to validate anymore.

Am I a serial single or am I too picky? Or both?

On another note, I’m thinking that I would like to buy a sweet SUV of some sort. Today I was perusing through the Thrifty Nickel at all the ads. I got to the vehicle section and found a 2000 Cadillac Escalade for $10,500. Wow, what a steal, I thought. I have to say, I love my Subie…but I hate being down so low to the ground. After my mom and Louie’s accident and riding in higher grounded vehicles, it just feels safer.

I called on said vehicle and it has 130,000 miles on it. Too many for that kind of change. Wah wah wah…I thought I’d found something there. But whatever.

I have in the recent past told my mom that I want to buy a cool older convertible car to drive around in the summer (visual: 70s MG or Volkswagen Karmann Ghia…hot…) and she just balks and thinks that it is frivolous of me. But when I mention to her about wanting a taller, SUV type vehicle, she tells me to keep an eye and be patient. I will be paying off my car in May and I’m already used to paying that car payment so I feel that I could get a great vehicle that’s a little bigger and higher off the road and keep paying the same amount that I’m paying now.

I think that Mom likes that I’m thinking more realistically in going back into debt for a vehicle more suited for the area and less as a ‘luxury item.’

So I will start looking and be patient. I have it in my head now that I can get a new car and it will be great. But me and patience sometimes don’t walk hand in hand….

The dirty line…

February 7, 2008

1:32 a.m.

Here I am again, writing in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping.

I can’t get over the fact that some guys in certain situations in my life feel comfortable about talking about their own regular boy shit around me. I know that I’ve always been somewhat of a tomboy but it’s pretty funny that these boys still feel that they can say just anything around me.

This evening it wasn’t necessarily a certain boy that I’ve known for a very long time. But I was the only female in a group of four men. And this one guy (he sends me really funny and dirty jokes all the time so I guess he understands that I have somewhat of a guy’s sense of dirty humor) starts talking about some shit and ALL the other guys in the posse start spouting shit that a normal girl would not really care to hear.

Maybe it’s because the rest of the guys I’ve known for a long time and I don’t get offended so they felt it was okay.

And it was okay. I just found it interesting that they felt comfortable talking about that kind of stuff in front of me. Have I turned into just another ‘guy’ or am I just one of those girls that they know won’t feel put off with whatever they say?

Do I want to be either? A proper girl would shy away from that. I’m definitely not proper.

Is it bad that I don’t get embarassed (and I’m struggling with the spelling of that word) or is it good that I don’t get shy and standoffish when my guy friends start talking about things that shouldn’t be heard by a woman’s ears?

I feel that I’m desensitized. Nothing really is taboo to me. I do get quiet about certain topics but when, in general, guys are speaking freely about their feelings and their thoughts about girls and life in general, I don’t think that I necessarily need to interject, but to listen. Knowledge is key.

But these guys weren’t the best guys (for me) to listen to. Single, if not great guys, they are absolutely not my type at all. Really, pigs when it comes to a girl’s feelings. I think that most of their opinions are not of those men I would like to associate with on a more personal level.

I am feeling quite lonely lately. Regardless of the limited comforts of Mr. M., I feel there is something more out there for me. But I know that the places that I frequent are not going to bring a fruitful connection.

So where do I go??? The whole valley is full of men, most of which are either dunces or dimwits, lately. That statement could be a direct consequence of my current cabin fever or me being tired of looking at Carhartt asses. And they’re not pretty. Unfortunately, I’m not a great fan of Wranglers either.

The skaters in the valley are intreguing but they all have the air of highness (maybe their riding tricks are high) but they seem to have no tactics on me.

The guys who live on ‘jam bands’ are just not for me because I can’t harmonize to the songs that they like.

The rednecks…well my hair is blue…they think I’m crazy. But they are great friends.

The addicts. I mean the ones who live to ski or fish or hike or whatever outdoor experience there is to be had in this valley. I will say that I love to snowboard, I love to fish, I love to hike, and I love doing stuff outdoors. But that does not rule my life and I do not move from skid row to skid row in order to enjoy said activities.

So what is left? The real estate agents? Well, there are so many of them here and they all fit into one of the above catagories in one way or another. That’s how most of them got here. And yes, they have a focus, but it seems that most of them, once they take the two-week course to get their real estate licenses, start turning their own heads and thinking that they are the ones who should be idolized. Though it’s quite possible that 15% or more of the men in this valley call themselves ‘agents.’ (My ex did it and I don’t think he ever did anything with his knowledge other than for himself…kudos to him.)

So NOW what’s left? Those who are here for a season for said activities? Or those who are just not…available. Whether it be they’re taken or they’re just not…let me be bathos…available for reasons that are unsavory.

So they say that the odds for a woman to find a man in this valley are pretty good because of the ratio. But after my figurings………..hmmmmm.

And maybe I’m being shallow. And maybe I’m cynical. But to me, the answer is right in front of me. I’m going to have to go elsewhere to find me a man.

I did forget the hard-working-young-man-who-is-leaving, Mr. M. I really like him. But my interest is waning as his interest doesn’t seem to pan out to the expectations that I would like to see. And maybe his interest is waning too. But I don’t go out without a  fight (at least a small one)! I should act less interested and that will make him more so. It happened when he saw me with Mr. No Car, maybe it can happen again. Unavailability seems to do the trick. I don’t like to play games but…to get his attention, I don’t have one iota of a problem doing a little flirting in front of him….

And it all has seemed to turn to Mr. M…….go effing figure…..if girls didn’t worry about boys and boys didn’t worry about girls (well the boys don’t seem to worry too much)…there would be many fewer problems in our lives.

Texty funky…..

February 6, 2008

12:34 a.m.

As most of the people who know me in this little cosmos we call Teton Valley, I am a New England Patriots fan. For the most part people have been very consoling to toward the loss. Well, it just so happens that just as the Pats were losing on that fun (and drunken to everyone I’ve spoken with) day, I also received a $100 bill from the bartender because I’d bet on squares. (Those of you who know betting and the Superbowl, know what that means.) So I was sad that the Pats’ line didn’t really show up for the game but it was definitely a great consolation to win when you didn’t bet against your team….

So anyway…I got a text message today from a 503-xxx-xxxx number ribbing me (and it was a pretty creative text message) about our loss. So I asked who this person was and mentioned that I was just really glad that for a change the Superbowl game was actually a good one. He replied that, yes, it was a good game and that he was my myspace buddy and my ‘man’s boss.’ Which meant it was the little troll who treats his employees bad and likes to run his mouth just a little too much for my liking. And he was talking about Mr. M.

So I texted back, saying that, ‘oh is he now my man?’ I didn’t really realize that other people were saying that Mr. M is my ‘man.’ In a way it made me feel pretty happy that maybe that’s actually a possibility that he could be ‘my man’ for the time that he’s here.

But then I got thinking…if other people are thinking that Mr. M is my man, why doesn’t he show it so much? On Monday night we (Mr. M and I) were texting about stuff that happened on Sunday and what we were doing, etc. He was watching a movie and going to bed. I was comfortably laying on my couch reading about the historical and present facts about what happens to bodies mostly when they’re donated to science (though of course I just told him I was reading). And then made (apparently) the fatal mistake of asking if I could see him later this week.

And, once again, no response. I so wanted to send another text asking if no reply meant ‘no.’ But I held off….I was good for once in a day and left the ball in his court. I still know that he’s moving and he doesn’t really want to get involved too much. I don’t really either. I know the repercussions of a significant other moving away. Long distance relationships don’t work (at least for me) because you can’t have the physical intimation, which (also to me) is important.

It would have, though, been nice for him to at least respond and let me know what he is thinking.

This was all over texting. Seems that the only communication I have besides being right there next to a person is texting and I’m sure that actually ‘calling’ a person can mean so much more. But I hate talking on the phone and Mr. M has also told me his distaste in phoning.

So now, where do we stand? Sunday was just a little weird between the two of us because he was seeming to get annoyed that I was so into the game and cheering or not at every play. (He, by the way, hates the Pats.) It felt like one minute he was chiding me for being into the game and the next he was flirting in the silly ways that young boys do. (He’s 22, I’m 28; which doesn’t seem like that much of an age difference….but to me it is.)

In his texts he said that he was trashed on Sunday and I was definitely not the judge in who was the most sober…but I don’t remember him saying goodbye to me and I think that is something that, even if you’re trashed, you’re going to give to someone of whom you are interested in. Right?????

Well, I digress. And tonight I’m thinking that I’m feeling a tinge of cabin fever. This valley is my home and I can’t think of anywhere else that I would want to be. But I have not even traveled to the next towns (45 and 1.5 hours given the recent weather to get there, if the roads are open). It’s about time that I get out of the valley and find some other faces even just to look at. That would be nice.

So (if roads permit) I will be going over ‘the pass’ to get my taxes done and I plan on spending the day (who knows, maybe the night) there. It’ll be nice to get the hell out of dodge, even just for a day or night…

And I remembered…..

Seems that I remember one thing that set me off on Friday night at my town watering hole. And it hasn’t been the first time this has happened.

Apparently my dad’s AA sponsor has decided that it’s okay to occasionally show up at the bar and drink with his buddies. Now isn’t the point of being in AA (let alone being someone’s sponsor) to NOT DRINK??? What a hypocrit.

Each time he sees me at the bar he feels it important to walk up to me, apologize, and ask me to not tell my dad. Now why in the world would I tell my dad that I saw his sponsor drinking at the bar??? What good would that do him???

Argh…

February 2, 2008

February 2, 2008

I think there is something wrong with me personally. I was having a great time this evening and without being provoked, I suddenly became really sad and pissed off. But I tried to curb whatever was bothering me.
I took a walk around the block in my little ballet flats, wandering through the snowy streets, thinking that it would give me a moment to clear my thoughts.
But while I was walking I couldn’t remember exactly what had set me off…
At the same time, I stopped at one point and looked around myself at the white quiet that I was seeing and so many things were flying through my mind….so many things about my present and my past.
The people who mean a lifetime to me, the men who have most recently been part of my life, my jobs, how I’m feeling sick almost every day…
And I think I’ve realized that I need to change something.
On the front lines I’m a rough and tough kid. But really inside I’ve started to realize that maybe I’m too hard on the outside for people to realize that I am a very tender and loyal person. I see that I’ve been losing friends, be they longtime or new…my abrasive attitude has gotten me nowhere…
But I suppose I put that abrasive attitude out there because that is who I am. If I have a problem with someone they know it. And really, I’d rather be honest like that than have a fake friendship. I will never fake anything.
But I guess I think that sometimes I should think about the things that come out of my mouth before they come out….upgrade to a better inner monologue….
But really the only thing that really bothers me is that I can’t be friends with one of my best friend’s boyfriend. We don’t speak, we don’t even acknowledge each other.
And this is the one thing that I remember bothering me this evening.
But the way I see it (and this is just MY take on the whole situation) is that this man owes not only my girl, but also her best friend an apology. Not only for ruining a good number of nights for her but also for being a total ass to someone of whom she (I hope) holds in the highest regards. And at this point, I’m not sure that apologies are even going to help.
And after all that this man has put her through, I wish that she would see that she is a more beautiful person than that and that she can find someone who will love her for who she is and not make her feel guilty. And have the right to do whatever she wants to, and him as well.
But I suppose that’s why I’m single. But if I have to compromise myself as much as I see her doing, I don’t want any of that.
And then I start thinking…..my other girl, she has (or had) a guy that I don’t like. Maybe it’s just me being protective. But I can think of too many times that these two women have had troubles in their relationships that they are not comfortable with. It’s not just me feeling uncomfortable. They tell me how uncomfortable they have been in the past (and the present). So if it’s just me being protective then they would not be telling me how bad their relationships have been.
At the same time, the relationship with the guy that I ‘have’ is only really just a figment of a relationship. And when it comes down to it I know it’s just a relationship based on convenience. I can use the excuse that we both work a lot and can’t be bothered with making an effort.
But deep inside…even though I know he’s leaving in April…I’d like to see a little more effort.
And if that doesn’t happen that’s fine really. I know some other ‘thing’ will come along…

Patty Griffin…
Isn’t hard sometimes
Isn’t it lonely
How I still hang around here
There’s nothing to hold me.

I think that after this weekend I’m going to stop drinking.