Cheers To

the few people who are really my friends. They dwindle with every moment. And for those who are mine…….thank you! These little earthquakes in my life would be huge tremors if not for you.

I’d like to say fuck the random shit, but we live and thrive on the random shit that happens in our lives. But within that randomness, we have our people who are constant reminders that we are remembered and loved.

As much as I sometimes feel unloved, all I have to do is think of those people…perhaps I’m lucky to have three or four.

On another note, I got the chance to talk intellectually about books, movies and the politics therewithin with some people of whom I could actually relate to and vice versa. It was not only refreshing but something that I strive for. Where is that on a regular basis (without the structured environment of group book readings or the like)?

Intellectual conversations are meant for those who spend time in book clubs or whatever suits your fancy. I find that to be bullshit. It was only nice to be able to speak intellectually where it was not expected, I guess. No organized book forum or movie club or political debate. Just great conversation about the things that we love.

But the way I see intellectual conversations do not involve people getting together to discuss what they all know. It’s learning something from someone and being able to give someone else some knowledge that they didn’t know.

And in the same sense, understanding, at some level.

Vino and Doritos…

Well, the last few days have given me a lot of insight on my life as well as those of others.

I suppose we’ll start with Friday. I was hanging with Miss D. and Miss Gil. at our Driggs watering hole. But I wanted to go to Victor because, like Miss D. agreed, there were cuter guys there.

But Miss D. also knew that there was more specific than that. I wanted to hang out with Mr. Tattoo. Maybe Mr. Young Tattoo. (But he has some sick tattoos that his brother did for him. His brother’s my age and I feel weirdly intrigued by his brother more because he’s my age. But I digress.) So I ran into said boy (I just erased the letters ‘m-a-n’ for ‘boy’) and yes, he’s cute and he’s a great kisser. But his roommates are dildos and I wonder if he’s just pretending that he’s not one too, just to impress me on the fact that he’s not.

So on Saturday I spent the day by myself. That may be something that people can’t do but for me? One of my favorite things to do is go to the Jackson library, check out books (I checked out a book about mafia families and some other that I meticulously looked up knowing my likes with books), went to lunch, by myself, and was waiting for a movie to start.

Well, got to the the theater at the allotted time and they’d changed times of movie starts since I’d been online earlier that morning. I was pretty pissed off and still am a little. Mr. Frank Londy will hear from me.

And once again, I digress.

I guess what I’m getting to is two things that didn’t happen during those boring rainy days of Memorial weekend.

Number one, I found my girl Miss D. beside herself about a man that she has really been struggling with for nearly three years now. When it’s good, I’m so happy for her. But when it’s bad? She’s a tough chick and seeing her cry in public (I’m the public cryer, not her) I know something’s fucked her up in the head. And of course it’s Mr. Subaru. And sometimes I really see that they’re doing well, trying, to be friends. But then he screams at her over the phone and belittles her to the point of tears and to the point that she’s not who I know her as. Tough chicks can only handle so much. And that fucker has her to her wits end.

Fuck him, I have her phone. And if he wants to yell at her right now, he’s going to have to deal with me.

And then there’s my other (former????) friend, Miss H. I was hanging at the Tetonia watering hole on Sunday after a birthday party and her fuckbone dickhead was there. She was not. And really, given our past, I wanted to cause a scene. But I didn’t. We both kept our ground and pretended that the other wasn’t there.

Didn’t think much of that until I saw Miss H. by herself show up at the Driggs watering hole alone. And she showed up when Miss D. and I were outside smoking (underneath shelter of what I will call the foyer). We all said hi, she walked in, and Miss D. and I continued our convo.

Well, the three of us guurls (Miss D., Miss Gil. and I) continued having a great convo, about men and the rest of the bullshit in our lives, and every time I caught a glimpse of Miss. H. she was looking extremely forlorn.

Maybe because of the fact that I saw him by himself one night and her alone the next doesn’t mean that they are arguing. But most likely, in many situations, they were having problems. And I didn’t go to her. My friends tell me not to support her or ask what’s going on. That she needs to do or say something to renew my trust in her. And in many ways I agree. But there is a huge part of me that wants to be there for her. I tell myself that it’s nothing off me. Especially if I tell her (though she should already know) my situation and why I do NOT want to get closer to her.

But I know how it feels to feel like there’s nobody. Nobody you can turn to. Nobody.

And I’m fortunate that I have a few people who will listen to me, whatever I say, and listen because they know that I’m my own person and I’m going to do what I think is the best or, to be honest, the best opportunistic thing for me at the time to do.

For those of you that do give me advice or even just an ear, I do take into consideration what you’re telling me. Thank you, even though you might not feel like I appreciate it at the time.

Seeing Miss H’s face last night really strung a heartstring for me. I didn’t go talk to her. I could tell that she was struggling with something. And it hurts that I wasn’t there for her. I could tell. She’s struggling about something.

And even after her obvious disreagard for my feelings…am I the only one who feels bad? I’m not the one who did anything wrong unless she considers taking her side as being a bad thing.

Miss H’s face really made me hurt inside. But I guess at this point it’s not my deal.

But she looked SOOO sad.

And it’s hard for me not to ask her what’s making her sad. But I have a feeling that I know WHO’S making her sad. But I’m jaded about talking to her about it because she did not stand up for herself and she didn’t her (best???) friend either. And she protected that abusive fuckwad by telling people that her friend was exaggerating about what she saw with her own eyes. I will never get in between she and that insecure asshole again. And if I do…I’m going to wallop that self centered fuck face just to let him know that he’s not the only person who lives on this earth.

Rejected…but not to friends!

I was working on finding a new job and in a matter of two and a half days I got a fucking cold and was told over the phone that I was rejected by one job and by letter the other.

And after I was rejected by the jobs that I thought I was a shoe-in for, my mom’s boyfriend, after I told him I felt like shit because I’m sick, he said (and I’m sneezing like a crazy person at this very moment) that it’s because of my partying…I can’t remember the way that he said it, but it wasn’t very nice. So I said…no, I have a cold and that he shouldn’t talk anymore.

I have a cold. And yes, maybe I string things out, but I get plenty of sleep and I don’t dis off my work because of drinking. Ever. Sooo….

Later in the evening he said that you get a cold because you’re cold or worn out.  Against mom and I saying that it’s a virus. He said it was not caused by a virus. Well, I continued to come home and look it up. Sure enough, the ‘common cold’ is a virus and I printed out my online diagonsis and whatnot and I really want to show him but I probably won’t get the chance. And I suppose I’ll just show it to mom to let her know that we were right. But I might just get pissed off sometime and show him anyway. I win.

He said that the cold is indicative of being run down. And I suppose that’s right for me. I’m both physically and mentally spent. And I suppose being vulnerable makes your immune system susceptible for viral infections.

But who is he to say that he’s the perfect model of health? And he adamantly said that a common cold is not a virus. Hahaha fucker, I have proof that you’re wrong.

But I won’t go into that because that issue belongs to he and my mom.

But please…don’t get pissy with me or your employees. Take it out on yourself and try being proactive about your life. Don’t take it out on the shortcomings of me or make your employees feel that they know nothing.

To Mr. Depressed Right Now: you will not make my mother or anyone around you happy until you can be happy yourself. Get off your duff and do something for yourself.

There are quite a few of ourselves who are not exactly happy with what is going on in our lives. The best of us try our hardest not to bring our close ones down but instead realize that our unhappiness lies in us…not those around us.

And the only person who is responsible for our own happiness is OURSELVES.

I was recently (not for the first time from this certain person) told that I’m selfish. I am absolutely not a selfish person in my eyes. My first, yes, is me. That’s how me and those closest me know how it is and how it should be. But after that I am absolutely 1000% dedicated to my friends. And those who know me, and know that their number one is themselves and their closest people, (including their family and their friends) then they know that I’m not a selfish person.

We take care of each other but we always look out for ourselves. And we expect nothing from the other if we CAN’T take care of ourselves.

So if you think I’m a selfish person……then you really don’t know me.

I guess despite me being turned down for two jobs hasn’t stopped me from knowing who I am. I am who I am and those people who really know me deep down would never feel that I’m a bad person. They love me and accept me for the bossy, somewhat self-centered, and look-out-for-me person that I am. And the friends that I most respect are that way too.

I respect mostly my friends who are the same way, no matter what situation they are in. We need each other but we are completely able to deal with our own selves if we have to.

And dealing with your own thoughts is the hardest thing to deal with sometimes.

Guess I’m fortunate that I have those very few that I can tell anything to. And maybe this chica who tells me in not so many words, I’m a bad friend…..she hasn’t found her real friends yet.

But I feel that I’ve found my people. They are all three from different backgrounds and and currently doing their own things.

One, my absolute first girl of the everything in my life, is a fucking beautiful girl not only in face and body but in mind and spirit even moreso than her outer body can show. I can not live without this woman and I can not imagine what I’d do without her.

Second, my girl who says that she lives vicariously through me, I also live vicariously through her because she’s got her shit together with her family and she and her family seem to do things right…..take turns with the husband to go out and have a good time and at the same time be able to work out two beautiful and smart children. I enjoy their children, and those who know me, that’s big.

And there’s Mr. JJax….I love that man deeply and dearly. I will trust this man forever (no matter what he’s said about his trust issues with friends). I trust this man to take me on a fast and crazy motorcycle ride. And I’ve absolutely learned to trust him through those crazy rides, among many other situations. We will always be friends and I will always ride with him and help him bring in his chickens or anything that he asks. Because I feel that I have a sense of trust.

But really, I’d rather ride my own bike over to his house to do anything with the growing farm that he loves.

Those are the three peeps that I love to the end of my life. And there are a few others that I find near and dear, of course. But at this time of my life, they are the ones who I know take me for who I am. I don’t have to pretend. They respect and love (if not give advice to) me for who I am.

And I suppose that’s what friends are for.

Realistic post…

So I had an initial interview to change jobs today.

I feel that it went well, I will either receive a phone call tomorrow or I won’t. Honestly, I feel that I will definitely get a call back. The only problem that it’s temporary with the possibility that it goes permanent. I don’t like that.

I’ve also given my resume to a job that I would rather have and I’m waiting and hoping that they call me sooner than later because I want that job more.

Basically, the job that I’m in….I LOVE it; but my situation has been more than faulty. The company has been feeling the reeling of a recession and my boss has been as of the last few months threatening to close shop. And he has been taking his frustrations out on all of his employees.

The city of Driggs is not going down and more importantly than that, the county is never going to not need someone to take care of the office of the Road and Bridge Department.

I want that R&B job so bad. I can taste it. I have a gut feeling that I’d be the one they’d hire.

But I guess it’s, for now, up in the air.

I got to the city interview very early for the interview. And the one thing I noticed is how quiet it is in that office. It was so quiet that someone sneezed and it startled me. Can I deal with that absolute quiet?

I’m not sure…..

I’m hoping for the job with the county. I’m going to bug them until they give me the job. I am more than qualified and it would be a perfect fit for me and a perfect fit for them too.\

I’m calling them tomorrow.

So I’ve been shopping around for another viable and more solid place to work.

Just so happens that there were two feasible positions open.

From the last post…

I am ecstatic to inform my readers of a great development. It is regarding a recent post about the poor business practices of a local business owner.

Said business owner is moving to Montana and leaving his business in the hands of two very capable men. Given, one of the men taking over has in the past year been looking at me from the bottom of my deep deep well of pissedoffness. But I’m over that and we are back to where we were…really good at talking shit and feeding each other with funny little tidbits about what we see and know.

I told him about the night that I walked out with wine glass in hand and he said that he has done the same sort of thing in very recent months. We both like the man when he’s on my side of the bar, not working.

Though I still find this bar owner to be a very socially inept person, but given certain situations he’s not so bad. And you really only find those times when he’s on my side of the bar or when he’s slow enough tending the bar that he has no stress. As soon as he gets flustered he’s done.

So it’s great that he’s not going to be a physical part of the bar. But he’s making the right move for himself at the same time. He’s making money hand over fist and paying two people to run his moneymaker; the best thing that he could do. I hope he’s compensating them to the extent that they’re worth.

But that somewhat pisses me off too. Hey fucker, just sell and sell it to those boys. But he knows better. He could possibly retire right now (which maybe he is) and still garner the funds to do whatever he wants. It’s his business and because he’s got a monopoly on the bar scene in Driggs, he’s making a fucking killing.

A fucking killing. He’s actually pretty fucking savvy when you look at it that way.

But it is changing here and you never know who’s going to come in and blow your fucking boat right out of the water. If Huntsmans have their way (and those who have put their funds into that development into it) there may not be a monopoly anymore.

But this place isn’t really growing right now like it was and in order for anyone to be able to compete…the city of Driggs needs to expand exponentially.

Hmmm….I wonder if that’s one reason that the city is trying to expand their city limits and the area of impact.

And then it goes into a whole other realm.

Guess if I get the job with the city I’ll have a little more insight.

I digress, but I think I’ve digressed well and that’s something to think about and possibly look in to…….

What’s the point?

The last REAL (and honest) relationship I was in was years ago. I did not meet him in a bar, but met him through a mutual friend.

And I’ve known this for a very long time, but the place to meet men is not at a bar. But this place is so fucking weird that if you’re not an addict to something like skiing or fishing or rodeo or golf or pick your poison, you’re not going to meet anyone. And really, those people that you DO meet who are addicted to something, you’re just not really going to connect with because you’re not addicted to these said outdoor things, no matter what they are. I will always be competing with these said addictions living where I do.

My addictions are working, my friends (as I get older they get fewer), reading, and generally hanging out and having a good time. I’m addicted to having a good time and will do nearly anything for fun once but if I don’t eventually find any fun in it I’m going to stop doing said activity.

For instance, I went golfing this past weekend for the first time in quite some time. And I actually had fun. I’m sure that a big factor in MY fun factor was who I was with. I didn’t feel pressured to be of greatness…just to have fun. (Though I did feel a bit like a third wheel.)

And I find that I want to go golfing more.

And I go motorcycle riding with friends (I’m always the passenger these days but I long to have my own bike at some point) and I always have a great time with them.

Fishing is great, I’m not terrible at it (drifting or on a lake; I’m not too much into bank fishing), and I tend to have fun whenever I go.

I’m a pretty well-rounded individual. But it seems that men are obsessed with doing one thing….that’s their life. There is no winter for some because they move away from here to fish somewhere else. And there is no summer because the rest of them chase that ever white snowy peak.

And the rest of them….well, they’re just stuck here and wondering where they should be. Wearing their Carhartts and pounding nails and wondering if the building is going to continue here. It’ll continue but there are a ton of carpenters here.

Where is the man who likes to do all sorts of things but also enjoys reading on a quiet night at home, perhaps without talking except for the occasional talk of what’s going on in the book? And where’s the man who likes to lay around and drink wine on the deck and converse slowly about nothing and everything? And where’s the man who doesn’t get pissed about me knowing three quarters of the valley (the ex above hated that)?

I was talking to a co-worker this evening and she was telling me how much she loves being home. I told her that it’s hard for me to stay home. She made a really good point that she likes to stay home because she has the company of her husband and they can sit on the couch for most of the night, she reading, he either reading his own book or watching the History Channel, and not even speak. But it’s still company.

I don’t have that. I love my Winston but he’s a dog and it’s just not the same.

But as I’ve figured out as of late, it’s pointless going out instead of staying home. Meaningless conversations, people who will never remember you and people you should probably never remember are basically what you run in to.

So do I swear myself off going out and just stay home? No….because then I never even have the CHANCE to meet someone new, even though the odds are pretty bad at this point.

Or do I put myself out there and hope for some jewel stuck in some odd corner of some establishment wondering where his soulmate is too? Haha, I just used the word soulmate. Very funny indeed.

Where else do you meet people in this valley if you’re not an addict?

Searching the Bottom

It’s funny how people think that I’m so strong and I’m so happy all the time.

But the reality is…I’m really not right now. It’s a number of things that are making me unhappy, two of which are the two most typical: work and men.

One I’m working on changing. I’ve put in resumes at two positions with great potential both for me and the likelihood of me being hired is also good. Or maybe I just have a big head. But I’m working on finding a new job as my boss at my current position has turned me into a hating bitch at work. I have always loved that job and the perks that go with it. But I can not stand anymore how I’ve been treated in the last couple months. Mr. Boss….just because we’re having a few bad months does NOT mean that you can take it out on your employees. I’m not the only one who has suffered his rantings and ravings but I know that I can do something else. And if I were to leave him? He’d be up shit creek without a paddle for a while. And after the few months that I and the rest of his employees have had to deal with, he doesn’t deserve that paddle.

Of course, I talk big but I know that I would not ever intentionally leave him high and dry but if an opportunity comes…what do I do?

And on the second point of contention in my life…men (go figure). For the last two nights I’ve been sitting at home with Winston the Wonder Pug drinking wine and watching television. And I have been watching sappy television shows. The love in the air is fucking killing me and I need to stop torturing myself.

On top of that I’m still reading voraciously and right now I’m reading a story that involves requited love…a love that can never happen but does but it’s hidden but from the few who really know.

And to make things tinge just a little more, I considered having a cocktail with friends after work today. I only had two people that I could call. I know as you grow older your friend base gets smaller but realistically I could only think of two people who would possibly be into hanging out for an after work cocktail. Of course I have lots of friends (and some of them just can’t meet up because of family arrangements and whatnot) but apparently only TWO who I felt comfortable calling on a Monday.

I’m lonely. And nobody would know it. But I am. I sit in this small house and feel that it’s huge because when the tv’s off and the music isn’t playing…it’s really quiet. And on top of watching that damned smarmy gooey romantic shit on tv, I feel alone.

The last time I met a man outside of a bar setting was when I met (?…I’m going to have to start writing nicknames down).

And here I am going through a bottle of wine tonight that cost me $11.04. Better than a bar tab anytime.

But is it really?

Tantrum?

I saw the most gross showing of a business owner that I’ve seen in maybe ever.

I showed up at my Driggs watering hole and as I was walking into the bar, people were looking confused and disturbed by something.

So I walked into the bar and the owner of the bar was obviously flustered and pissed off. I hear that he was pissed because people didn’t like his selection of music so he just got angry and turned it off.

Now I understand being a bartender you’re not going to please everyone all the time. And that’s something that happens in life in general. But he was so agitated that he was turning people out of his bar.

He’s either making so much money (which I don’t doubt) that he doesn’t give a fuck or he’s a whining bitch that can’t handle dealing with people. In my opinion, it’s probably a mix of both.

This man is quite possibly one of the most antisocial people I’ve ever met in the service industry. And when somebody goes against what his plan is for the evening he gets pissy and irate. And the only thing that does is drive business away.

And it’s his business.

Bad business practice, if you ask me. I know how hard it can be to deal with drunk people when you’re working but you do your best to put on your best smirk and say whatever may try to appease the general customer base. If they’re being too demanding, you take charge of the bar (because as a bartender that’s one of the huge parts of your job) and tell them, sorry, this is what is going on and be happy with it and enjoy yourself or go ahead and sulk.

In the short time that I was there I heard no music because he had cut that off because he couldn’t handle telling people no. And I also heard many people at the bar saying that he was being an asshole. And then I saw him flip out and ask people if they would rather him be a d.j. or serve them drinks. And I’ve been in that situation before at my Tetonia watering hole when I worked there but there is a much easier way to deal with it than to threaten.

And this is the bar owner. He is obviously not good under pressure and can’t tell his drunk constituents to just deal and have a good time. Come on, you’re the owner of the bar, stand up for yourself instead of throwing a tissy and pissing even those not involved off.

So I decided to ask him for a plastic glass for my wine but he was so busy throwing things around and threatening people that he didn’t have time for me. So I proceeded to walk out, glass in hand, and I’m drinking at home out of his wine glass right now. If his perogative is to yell at people and be uptight than to help out someone that was not even part of the ‘problem,’ then the wine glass is deserving to me.

But I will take it back. I have no need for it. I just took the glass because I wasn’t about to leave a full glass of wine there and it was time for me to get out of there. I really should give the glass back to him personally and explain why I took it.

I suppose my advice to the owner of this bar is to fucking relax and learn how to deal with drunk people and learn how to stand up for himself. If you are the owner of a bar you should have the cahones to tell clients that you appreciate their business but (especially if it’s something as silly as a music thing) but this is what the bar is listening to and if you want to listen to your music go home and do so.

I guess it’s just a matter of sticking to your guns as a bartender. But you can NOT throw temper tantrums. Especially as a bar owner……

And if you can’t deal with it….then don’t work and keep your good help working. They bring in a better business than you ever will.

The Back 45…

Tonight I met a man. A man who lives beyond my grandfather’s property.

Mr. Bartender of the evening was talking to a group of men and called down the line about what they were talking about.

They were talking about Greenville Road, the spot where my family founded and still lives. So I said yes, that’s my family’s stomping ground.

And the man who was asking… I thought I saw this man looking at me at an earlier moment, at some point perhaps ‘intrigued’ by me, or wanted to talk, but maybe just me reaching. But for an older gent, I thought in my head, a very good looking man.

So this 45-year-old man apparently bought some of ‘Wilson’s property’ above my grandpa’s ground, and above ‘Greenville.’ And we got into conversation about his purchase and my family and whatnot.

And I was absolutely rapt by him. And I’m not really sure why. He’s 45 years old and a very good looking specimen. And if I’m totally honest, I fall for the older men.

So anyway, apparently he purchased 17 acres above my family’s land 20 or so years ago. And he still has it and has been working on building a house on the property. He’s put it in a conservation easment, which is, to me, extremely valiant and important.

But there was something extremely likeable about him and I did NOT see a ring on ‘that finger’ and he seemed very receptive to talking to me (and when his friends disturbed us he seemed disturbed). And smiled at my jokes and whatnot.

But maybe he’s just intrigued by the fact that he met a ‘Green’ other than Uncle Steve, the only Greenville resident he has yet to meet.

I’ve always thought it weird that people who are not Greens have moved into and above our homestead. But this man gave me no feelings like it was a bad thing. That he accepts our family and absolutely respects our ‘neighborhood’ and said that he’s been treated well and would like to get to know the Greens better.

But to be honest, I felt absolutely twitterpated by him.

But we shall see. And it’s funny, his name is Paul. Can I ever get away from that name? And is 45 too old for me to be twitterpated toward?

We left with him saying that he would see me somewhere??? I said yes.

But where?

An Update needed…

So I need to write an update on how Miss. H’s boy and I are getting along at some point……he needs to get his balls cut off and handed to his mother because he is not someone who deserves to have any balls and his mother should have never raised a man like that.

More later.