Scrap that…

Scrap my last post. I don’t need those people who think that I need to do something to impress them. I do just fine on my own. And I’m not a bitch. I’m just selective with who I want to be friends with. An those who are my friends are my friends forever…no matter the circumstances.

So if you’re asking me to change? I’m sorry but Fuck Off. I will change as I, and my best friends see fit. If you don’t like me, then you don’t like me. I will not judge someone else’s feelings about me and I won’t judge theirs. I ‘yam who I ‘yam and that’s what I ‘yam.

Take it or leave it.

Spirilio….

Am I becoming a fucking jaded asshole?

It seems that even people I have nothing in common with are thinking that.

A person (now a person that I may actually trust???) gave me some good insight.

And after that…I think about how everybody was my friend; how I always got along with everybody.

And now I don’t.

Not that I don’t get along with them, I’ve just found my friends that I’m close to.

But I think that perhaps me getting close to a few has barred me from the people who are also there and could potentially be friends. Who may want to be my friends but I’m too involved with my close friends that I don’t give one ounce of feeling to them.

I have a wall set up against me. I’m not exactly sure why. But it’s there. It’s hard for me to connect with people. Check: certain people. There are people that I meet that I feel an immediate connection with.

Others take a little longer. Maybe it’s that I’m impatient and if it doesn’t work ‘right then and there’ it won’t work.

I have my friends and I have my acquaintences. I admit that I had more friends ‘back when’ than acquaintences.

But isn’t that part of growing older? The older you get the less people you are close with and the more you are just friends with?

I have my close friends. Maybe I should work on friends in general? That’s what Miss Ann is saying.

I’ve built my wall against letting anyone else but my three or so people know about me.

I do need to start letting that wall crumble. But I think this will be a brick by brick situation.

I’m a say what I want to say whenever I want to kind of gal.

But I’m absolutely silent when it comes to personal relationships.

Please try to help me to open up a bit…….even if it’s slowly. It’s only good for me and I would only learn to eventually trust again but maybe find a great friend in the mix.

I hope people don’t think that I’m incapable of friendship. I’m just different from them. And I guess I need to learn to be more accepting on being friends with people.

Fuck…..

Maybe really in the long run I miss that. Or maybe I’m happy to have the friends that I do. I don’t need a ton of people to talk to. But it’d be nice to be friendly with more people.

Screwey in the membrane…

I’ve cried more this week than I have in a very long time.

My cousin (though somewhat distant in the lines) passed away last Sunday. And I’ve been a wreck this week. Maybe because of it but maybe there is more?

Tonight my best friend in the whole wide fucking world said that I was being pissy. To not only others but to her as well. And that made me feel really shitty. I am a standoffish person and I have my way of being pissy towards some people but when it starts rubbing off onto my best friend???

That makes me start to think twice about my life.

But then I talked with my girl Miss H and she said that I wasn’t being out of line with anyone.

So now (it’s the next day/night) I don’t know if I was out of line.

And tonight, the next night, I have Miss H. here and Barney is sleeping and snoring on my couch. I’m making sure Miss H sleeps with me so (well tonight I’ll call him Snory Pants) he doesn’t try something later when he wakes up. I’d much rather sleep with her than him at this point. I like him but I’m not ready to move to the next step with him yet.

Another potential???

So July 4th has in the past brought upon new beginnings.

And this year may be the same. I met a new guy. I’ll call him Mr. Rubble. Haha, that’s because he has super small feet and hands and he said it was like the Flintstones. So I started calling him Barney. He said that only I could call him that; which is kind of endearing.

So Mr. Rubble and I met on Thursday and I, as I’m wont to do, kidnapped him and took him to a local watering hole. He came over to my house and I made him sleep on the couch. He did take advantage at 6 a.m. and came and cuddled but didn’t try anything. Which impressed me.

So we made it to Victor in time for the parade and we were hanging out with a bunch of friends and I found that he was kind of flirting with this other girl that I know and love. So I got a little distant and had to leave anyway to go to Idaho Falls for the fireworks.

So this evening, I was at a restaurant having wine and dinner with my book and he called. Said if I’d like, to call him later and he would love to hang out.

So I did give him the benefit of the doubt and called him. So he came and continued to say that I am out of his league and that he was getting a little intimidated.

It made me feel weird and great at the same time. So we ended up going back to the same watering hole that I’d taken him to on Thursday night. And it was fun.

I pretty much know everybody at this place and he’s new to town and I was trying my best to introduce him to people but one thing that did impress me about him was that he didn’t seem one bit jealous or pissed off that I knew all the men in the bar, who are all my friends or family. I guess it was just nice for me to feel that he was not jealous or needed my attention all the time.

So he drove me back to my car afterwards and there was this song (a song by Hank Williams III) and I asked if he wanted to dance. So we danced in between our two cars right there on Main Street Driggs.

It was very romantic.

And I’m a bit twitterpated. But I’ve talked to him about being serially single and not moving too fast.

He didn’t even ask to come home with me. Which gave me even more respect for him.

He makes me laugh. And he’s been respective to me. Although I was worried that he was working both angles with me and a friend at one point yesterday, I was able to talk to him about that and he assured me that they were just friends and that he’s not interested in her, but wants to hang out with me as more than friends at some point.

But we shall see.

I have a feeling that I’ve somehow totally impressed him and he does indeed like me and wants to pursue something. And I’m not exactly what it was about me that impressed him so much. But I did something I guess and he’s into me. Now I’ve got to decide what I want to do.

I guess, once again, we shall see.

And then…….

I thought that I had a line on someone with whom I’ve had an extremely close connection with for a very long time. But he’s not called me back. I do love this man, as I do a very few of my past. But if he’s not going to make an effort??? I guess that may not ever happen. Of course we’ve ‘tried’ forever. Why was I thinking it was going to be different this time?

Mr. Rubble is infatuated with me. Am I infatuated back? He’s funny and cute and very nice (he opened his truck door for me all night that I was with him). Guess I’ll just have to see what happens and how our relationship develops. But I’m super glad that I haven’t slept with him. And I told him that will take some time. Perhaps that’s one reason why he still is interested…….

And for the record, the last potential? Well, we both kind of pissed that away by being dumb. I won’t blame it on him solely because I fucked up too. But on Friday I did talk to him and we both apologized to each other. He said not to be a stranger and I texted him today….with no response….so WTF????

Whatever. It’s in his court now.

And the new guy doesn’t talk about he and his band all the time. But doesn’t talk about a lot…..which could be worse???? I don’t know.

Funny and contemplative…

First I have to say that it’s really funny/stupid that a guy that my best friend has been in- volved with; in- consequentially been thinking is one of the most beautiful men; in- some way or form has met me a number of times but has forgotten that I know said girl each time.

He should AT LEAST know that I’m his girl’s best friend. It’s pretty silly that he doesn’t realize who I am. At this point, I feel he’s not taking enough mental notes. And he, like most men, should take a lesson from women: we remember lots…at least try to remember someone’s best friend.

But who am I to know what is the best way to pursue? I’m obviously bad at that. But maybe not. I am an honest person and it seems that lately I scare people away because I’m perhaps too honest?

At least I know that those people who I come in contact with know me for who I am. I’m not going to change me in order to be with somebody or to impress.

Changing oneself is unfair. Because when you go back to yourself, the person that you changed for is not going to know who it was that they met.

So I’m going to continue being me. And if you don’t like it; I’m sorry. If you do; it’ll be fun!

It’s a Rainbow!!!!

So this evening I heard a lot of stuff that really made me laugh, and later got me fumed. And it all had to do with rainbows.

First of all, I change the color of my hair a lot. And I just changed it recently from dark (for the winter) to strawberry blond (for the summer). And I went to a watering hole by my house and a man that I’ve known for a long time said that I should dye my hair like a rainbow. I said, no, I’ve already done the crazy colors and I’m over that. I just like changing my hair color, but I’ve moved on to at least halfway normal colors.

He said that if I dyed my hair in a rainbow it would have the connotation (at least in big cities) that I was gay. He said that’s the new fad; Rainbow for Gay.

Hahahahaha, I said, that’s been around for a LONG time! You go to Key West (as I’ve seen) or look at the news, that’s the universal sign for same-sex preference. But he didn’t know that.

But THEN at the same time a bunch of people were talking about going to the Rainbow Gathering that is happening relatively close to us this year.

It’s funny that floating a rainbow flag says one thing but going to a Rainbow Gathering is a rally of what I would call earthridden people who think more of saving their ‘community’ of barterers than the community that most of them live in (and really rely upon) on a regular basis.

And I respect each and every one who has the balls to stand up for what and/or who they are.

But then I heard people this evening talking about going to the Rainbow Gathering and how they are not going to take their dogs because their dogs might get in the way of their spiritual enlightenment at the ‘Gathering.’

And they said that on one morning (at this said ‘gathering’) they were going to have an absolutely silent morning where nobody speak from waking until noon. And then at noon they all say hail mary’s or some shit in the word of peace.

And I think that’s fine that they believe that will work.

BUT…

This world is so corrupt and fucked up that the idea of a group of unwashed, unkempt, starving, begging, trading and ‘having their silent time for peace’ men and women will change the course of this world makes me a little ill.

Not that I think that politicians are going to change things either. But they do have the power to ACTUALLY change things.

Do these Rainbow people think that silent moments in their encampment in the woods is going to change the course of the future? All they seem to do is preach. Why don’t they get into positions that would help to change things instead of stomping down a bunch of acres of land to get together and talk (or pray) about it?

I’m not a redneck. I’m not a hippy. I’m not a wasteoid. And I’m definitely not a politician. I’m not anything but really myself in these views. Maybe if those people who work tireless hours organizing and even just attending this Rainbow Gathering stop trying to work on the barter system and the peace love and happiness system, and instead use those efforts to storm the fucking White House and tell them exactly what they want to say; something might get accomplished! Take example from your formers (the real hippies of the 60s and 70s) and make a stand instead of just working for yourselves and your own community.

Masses are better than one single person speaking for a purpose.

Not to say that they’re right or wrong and that I believe or not believe necessarily in what they are (attempting) to stand for. But I would respect them a lot more if they did something proactive for the country instead of having their Gathering to promote peace. Have you all noticed that the Rainbow Gathering has been going on a long time and this country is still struggling?

The Rainbow Gathering is not for world or even United States peace. It’s a crew of its own, trying to sustain something of their OWN. They’re almost thumb to teeth to the people who contribute to the common good, (ie paying taxes, paying for goods instead of bartering, etc.). I’m down with them being environmental….but they have a beef with the WHOLE system. The ’system’ may be wrong but DO something about it besides bartering in the woods and praying for something to happen.

And that’s fine that those people want to sustain that. Just don’t promote that you’re also giving back to the economy and giving back to those who WORK their hardest to support the US, even if it’s paying our fucking taxes.