Am I becoming a fucking jaded asshole?
It seems that even people I have nothing in common with are thinking that.
A person (now a person that I may actually trust???) gave me some good insight.
And after that…I think about how everybody was my friend; how I always got along with everybody.
And now I don’t.
Not that I don’t get along with them, I’ve just found my friends that I’m close to.
But I think that perhaps me getting close to a few has barred me from the people who are also there and could potentially be friends. Who may want to be my friends but I’m too involved with my close friends that I don’t give one ounce of feeling to them.
I have a wall set up against me. I’m not exactly sure why. But it’s there. It’s hard for me to connect with people. Check: certain people. There are people that I meet that I feel an immediate connection with.
Others take a little longer. Maybe it’s that I’m impatient and if it doesn’t work ‘right then and there’ it won’t work.
I have my friends and I have my acquaintences. I admit that I had more friends ‘back when’ than acquaintences.
But isn’t that part of growing older? The older you get the less people you are close with and the more you are just friends with?
I have my close friends. Maybe I should work on friends in general? That’s what Miss Ann is saying.
I’ve built my wall against letting anyone else but my three or so people know about me.
I do need to start letting that wall crumble. But I think this will be a brick by brick situation.
I’m a say what I want to say whenever I want to kind of gal.
But I’m absolutely silent when it comes to personal relationships.
Please try to help me to open up a bit…….even if it’s slowly. It’s only good for me and I would only learn to eventually trust again but maybe find a great friend in the mix.
I hope people don’t think that I’m incapable of friendship. I’m just different from them. And I guess I need to learn to be more accepting on being friends with people.
Fuck…..
Maybe really in the long run I miss that. Or maybe I’m happy to have the friends that I do. I don’t need a ton of people to talk to. But it’d be nice to be friendly with more people.
