I saw a mild fight tonight. It was because a married woman was trying (succesfully) to kiss on a married man. And when he lost interest she latched her claws into some person who was an innocent bystander (though willing).

And when the married man got jealous, it turned into a fight.

That will happen.

But it’s absolutely disturbing to me that this married woman said that it was the ‘move in’ that caused the problem when in all actuality it was HER!

That pisses me off. I’ve not been the brightest star in the universe of greatness when it comes to fidelity. (Well, mine is pretty good….I get pretty devoted…but I have my (his) discretions.)

And everybody is trying to diffuse the situation, except for the one person in the bar who should be in charge…the bartender. He’s so busy playing darts and drinking beer that he says ‘I’ll make a move if a punch is pulled.’

Bullshit. Your job is not to drink beer and play darts but to take care of the customers and their needs. I’m sorry, I like the kid but he doesn’t do any justice to his place as a bartender. And there are other things that need to be brought to life about this certain person but I won’t go there yet…

And so after all the drama at the place I was earlier this evening I decided to go to a place closer to my house. And it was fun until the bartender got his panties in a wad and decided that the words ‘last call’ meant that he could wait two minutes for people to respond and then close out the bar ten minutes before law said allowed him. I guess it’s his right but the consensus was that he made the wrong move. Not only for his popularity but also for the profitability for the bar.

This place I live in is skewed. And for the most part I understand circumstances involving that skew. And some of that is why I love this place so much.

But tonight? No. And the last while I’ve been wondering what’s in it for me. I’m a mellow/vocal/and sometimes incenced person (when I feel it’s warranted). But more than not these days I’ve felt either desentitized or icenced about what is going on around me.

Like by best friend, I’m starting to feel pretty jaded. Though my life is comfortable, I am feeling discontent. So now the big huge enourmous question is…do I deal with being comfortable (mostly financially) or do I blow that shit into the air and step myself out of my comfort zone and live on beans and rice and get the eff out of here and explore new avenues?

This concept scares the living shit out of me. But I’m not really sure that I’m getting anything OUT of my life here other than just living. And getting by.

And putting it that way…big question…will I get something else if I leave? I never know. But it’s the stability and consistency that is hard to leave. And my mom. But I think she has bigger plans for me…maybe not plans but bigger ideas…

It’s really extremely hard for me to walk up to that cliff and jump off. But more and more, I’m thinking I need to face that cliff and jump the fuck off with not so much more than a mended over and over parachute. Maybe not the safest thing to do but could possibly lead to the most exhilarating thing that I’ve done in a very long time and could possibly reap the best reward because of my possible success.

It’s the word ‘possibility’ that weighs so heavy on me. I could very likely fall flat on my face if I get out of my element. But how will I know if I don’t just DO it?