Trying gone bad

We have been having bad weather.

I texted him asking if he’d been snowed in, just to make conversation.

We small-talk texted for a while.

Hours later, as I was home shoveling off my deck I get a text, “hey sometime this weekend i need to discuss the trip, moving the rest of my shit out and rent with u, when u get a chance get hold of me.”

So I call him back and he is asking me if I was asking if he was snowed in so I could go on a date with someone. (To make sure he wouldn’t be around.)

I was going to call him tomorrow and ask him if he would be ok with being roommates for a while and figuring things out from there. He asked if I would feel comfortable if he brought a girl home in that living situation. I asked him if we were broken up, because it sounded to me like …..

Just got off a long conversation with him. We are apparently thinking…..and talking sometime this weekend….

Separation night 4

Apparently I’m going on a date with my boyfriend…..but as friends. 

I don’t know how not to talk to him in some way. I was talking to him (via text message) about football. He said that he was done with a book that I’d recommended to him. And there’s a movie based on the book. So he asked me to go. 

He asked me out on a date. We’ve decided to go ‘dutch,’ which is silly but okay with me. 

I know that we need to get back to us, as friends, as best friends, first.

We need to be able to talk like we used to.

I feel like I can do that…..but sometimes when I even look at him, I get annoyed about the things that bug me about him. 

I should be able to look at him and love things about him.

There are things I do love about him. But it seems like those things that I so much love about him I don’t see anymore. Is it me being nit-picky? 

I used to make him laugh. But it seems I have nothing funny to say anymore. 

Gotta figure it out. Some minutes I want to work it out. Other minutes, I wonder if it’s worth it anymore. We forgot how to make each other happy.

Can we remember? I don’t even remember what happened to put us in this situation. Neither does he. I would like to be able to pin-point the moment when things started falling apart.

Maybe moving in together? But if we can’t live together, how can we progress? I don’t feel like we rushed in to anything. Perhaps I’m just a really bad roommate who gets pissed about every little thing. 

Which is true. But I suppose I’ve lived by myself for so long it’s hard to have somebody not do things my way. And he says that the little things shouldn’t matter. But when it’s a bunch of little things all added up….it becomes a big thing.

I’m in the process of thinking at this point. I am doing some long hard thinking about what I can do to make things better. I’ve come up with a lot of things. But how much am I willing to bend? How much am I willing to look over?

 

Separation night 3

I got drunk.

I didn’t want to come home and sit by myself again.

So I went out.

And then I went to a party.

I had fun. I had fun.

Was having so much fun

That I let my ride leave.

It’s okay because I’m close, walking distance

To my house.

 

I get walking and realize

It’s a little farther than I thought.

But whatever, a walk is not a bad thing.

I’m slipping and sliding on the ice,

And walking like a drunken hobo

Just to walk on the spots of

Un-ice.

And then they give me a ride,

To the main road.

All of a sudden I’m walking only two blocks to my house.

Instead of six.

It’s amazing how a small ride helps

When you have slippery feet.

Very nice of them.

Makes me think that people do

Care.

If I wasn’t where I am with him at this point in time, I wouldn’t have gone to that party. I know for a fact there is no way he would’ve gone. I didn’t originally want to go there. I’ve been so “taken” that I don’t do what I used to do.

But at the same time…..I don’t really miss it that much. The people who know me at the party were surprised to see me there, but said they were happy to see me. So obviously they’re surprised to see me because I don’t do that anymore. Because I have him. And he doesn’t like that kind of thing. So I don’t do it.

I like going to house parties from time to time. But more than not, I won’t go unless it’s a really close friend’s party. So therefore, I tend not to go.  Because I don’t have a huge amount of close friends.

But I broke my rule. Although I know the hosts, they are not my people. We say hi at the bar and a re cordial, but know nothing of each other.

I went….and I had fun! There were a ton of people I know there (I knew they would be there) and it was good to see and hang with them.

But when it really comes down to it, can I have both worlds?

We have argued about how I am more a social person than he is. And I’ve changed a lot since I’ve been committed to him. I’m able and happy to stay at home more than I used to be. Like I said in my last post, I’ve come to realize that it’s easier and cheaper to just stay at home.

Most of my jobs require me to talk to people. I work FOR people. And I work to make people happy. In my work I strive to make people happy. I do, in my life, try to make people happy.

But there’s got to be a point where I can not have to try to please people, and just have them like me for who I am.

Wow, that sounds like I only bank my self-worth on the opinions of those around me.

That’s not true, by any means.

I guess….on this tirade that I went on…and the separation theme……

I want to be me, and I’m so troubled about changing too much for a person? And I don’t want that person to have to change too much either.

He has made me a better person after he’s moved in. I’ve realized that I like having a clean house. And I was so worried that I was going to piss him off about how I’m not clean. But it seems that since he’s moved in, I’m all about having a clean house.

I’m seeing myself getting anal about his little dirty quirks. He says I shouldn’t worry about the small stuff. But when there are a lot of small things building up, isn’t that a big thing?

Maybe I’m just used to living by myself and having my own mess to (not) deal with, it’s hard to deal with somebody else’s?

I thought he was OCD clean. Now I’m worse about certain things that he doesn’t even know about.

And I suppose that’s a huge problem. That he doesn’t even know what I’m annoyed about.

But if I told him everything that he does that annoys me…….it would be bad.

We’ve tried telling each other honestly what we don’t like about each other living together. My list is a lot longer and it is stupid little shit. I don’t tell him about the little shit because he thinks it’s not something we should worry about.

Bu to me, it’s the little shit that gets to me. In general he is a good roommate, a good person and a great friend…..and he would be a good boyfriend if  he understood that the little shit that doesn’t seem to bother him (even though he’s not happy either) DOES bother me. And I’m probably just weird about some stuff. I know I’m weird about stuff for no reason.

But we all are.

I’m sure he’s not happy about some things that I do. But he won’t be honest with me and rip me a new one like he should.

He did say briefly that he thinks he’s trying too hard to please me. And that kinda pissed me off. I feel that if he’s sacrificing his own happiness or ideas just for me…..that doesn’t make him an individual. Shouldn’t he have balls enough to say what HE wants? Or am I too hard ass to recognize that I’m bullying him into doing what I want to do?

On that note, yes, I suppose I’m a bully. Not straight out bully, a passive aggressive one. And perhaps he is so passive that I take advantage of it.

Being passive aggressive or just being passive are both bad. I can’t tell him how to be less passive. I need to figure out how not to be so passive aggressive.

And I need to learn to not be so critical. Probably in my life in general.

I suppose I’m a very critical person when it comes to everything. And I’m also very passive aggressive. One would think that I have a problem keeping my mouth shut. I suppose I’m  really good and opening my mouth when it doesn’t really mean shit.

But more than not, I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut when it should be open.

So I open my mouth when it shouldn’t and can’t when it should?

Separation night 2

Work work work. Not that that’s any different than I usually do. 

Came home after doing some fabulous hair on a sweet and cute little lady and watching how slow the restaurant business is this time of year. 

Television; entertaining but not very motivating. 

I’ve figured out that I’m pretty good at drinking boxed wine. Wait…I’ve known that for a long time. But it seems that I’ve figured out how much cheaper it is than to go out to a bar and pay upwards of $5 on a glass of wine and not talk to anybody. I can way more easily and cheapily (I know it’s not a word, it just fits) come home and talk to nobody and actually be entertained by Jimmy Fallon and my dog, the ever-hilarious, Winston! Between wine, a little FB time, The Pew Pew and Jimmy, what more should a girl ask for? 

But I digress. It’s been a little awkward not having him here. Unfortunately, lately, I’ve been looking toward my driveway to see if his truck’s here and cringing when it is. That’s NOT GOOD. And I caught myself looking tonight and seeing that his truck wasn’t there. I was happy and sad. Hmmm. Wonder what that means that I put ‘happy’ before ‘sad.’ Some kind of Jedi mind trick that I played on myself? Or just plain honesty?

It’s weird not having him here. Even if it’s just to say hi, sit for a minute, and feign tiredness and go to bed and read until I pass out. 

That’s not how a night should go. 

But I’m here, laughing at Jimmy and getting sloshed (well a little) on boxed wine (shouldn’t they call it bagged wine?) and cuddling with the Pooper. Sounds like a pretty nice (and cheap) Friday night to me!

FRIDAY NIGHT….and I’m sitting at home. Such an odd concept for me. But I guess I’m working on turning a new leaf. Guess it’s easier to turn a leaf when you’re saving for a month free of snow!

All in all, I’m hanging in there. I am taking heed of my emotions and ever thinking about what I can do to get things back to how they were. But to be really honest….I don’t really know how we got here in the first place….so how do I find my way back? I forgot to drop breadcrumbs every once in a while…..

Separation Night 1

I went to sleep last night after agreeing to a ‘separation.’ Of course it had to be my idea because he sits back and has to think about what we should do. He was the one who wanted to talk when I got off work. He pauses the tv and says ‘can we talk?’

I say sure……and what happens after that is me talking about what I’m thinking about and what my ideas are about what to do about our problems. I told him most of what was in my last post and asking him the whole time what his ideas were.

And every time, he said he doesn’t know, he needs to think about it. So I would talk some more. And he had to sit and think about it…and say he’s thinking.

And then he said he’d talk if I’d let him talk. What the fuck is that???? I am only asking him to speak his mind and give his suggestions but when he says he needs to think about it???

I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’m not saying that I’m a great person for not just speaking my mind when I started thinking about stuff….but if he brings up that he wants to talk and then has nothing to say??? And has to think about it? I don’t know what to say to that.

So, I pulled up my big girl panties and finally decided to give him the letter I wrote (that I left out for him to read on Wednesday morning, but he didn’t see). We’ll see how it works out. 

But I’m going to patiently wait for the ball to come from his court. I don’t want to be the person who feels like she’s the only one who fights for this relationship. Every time we have a ‘break’ I’m the one who has to tell him my feelings first and it’s his turn. I don’t know if that’s childish or whatever….but I don’t want it to always be in my court to speak my mind. 

So….anyway, day one of The Separation. I woke up this morning not under the sheet. I don’t want him to think that I did that on purpose, I just went to bed. But he’s one who would take offense. Didn’t realize until I woke up and he was already gone.

Went to work. Had a good day. Even though I spent an hour brushing out a nine-year-old girl’s hair because her mom said it was time she took care of her own hair. But also allowed said daughter get not dreadlocks but MATS in her hair up to her scalp. She asked me only to cut her hair. Wanted to ask her if she wanted me to shave her girl’s hair…..but instead I spent an hour de-matting and then cut her hair to just below her shoulders, all the while trying to not to hurt and school this girl on proper hair care. Little lady was a trooper and I gave her a brush (to use every day) and she seemed really happy. So did the mom, she tipped me 100%! Thank you! 

Friend called after work and I met up with she and her daughter, they’re both dolls and mom is nice enough to listen, as she knows all that’s been going on.

Came home and watched Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice. Every reference to love or relationships (there are a LOT amidst the surgery and drama) made me think about what’s going on in my life and what I can do to fix it. Or if I can at all.

On my way to bed, I feel like I can’t sleep, though I know things are as they should be. Bad, but good? I have yet to find out. Am I lonely? Sure. Am I lonely? No, I’m happy to be on my own terms. Am I lonely? Yup. Am I lonely? Naw, I have Winny! Let’s see about day two……

A Letter to MVJ

 Yet another letter. I don’t know how to talk to you without it becoming a fight. And the fact that we can’t (or don’t want to) fight, I’m not sure that we can work things out.

I know you don’t like to fight and I don’t either. But even after we do actually fight, I don’t think that it accomplishes anything.

Mostly because we have to be drunk in order for us to actually fight. But unfortunately I’m not totally sure that either of us really remembers what we talked about in order to ‘work things out.’ I guess I’m passive aggressive and you are just passive. Neither is right.

I keep thinking about how good we were. We used to make each other laugh! We wanted to be around each other. We talked and were affectionate!

We have talked about how we can get back to that.

How do we get back to that? Neither of us have been able to come up with an answer and we both try but we haven’t. And as much as we try, if we both don’t know how to get back there….how can we?

Except for some time? I don’t want to split up with you. I think we’ve had enough time together that we can work on things, just ‘separated.’ I hate that word, but I hate the words ‘split up’ or ‘break up’ worse.

I know you don’t want to have to stay at your parents’ house every time we are having problems. And I also know that I’m not ready to be done and for you to move out. But I also know that WE are not happy right now. I think that maybe you have it in your head that things are fine, or that our issues will work out, in time, on their own. I think that we’ve tried that. We need to learn how to talk to each other and actually talk about stuff again. Not just the stuff that we’re having problems with. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Saying hello and talking about random television shows does not make a relationship.

I think it might take more than two weeks of you staying at your parents’ to make things work. Like I said, I don’t want you to move out, I think we just need to spend time alone to figure out whether we really want to be with each other. I need you to figure that out. I need you to be honest with yourself and us to think about it long and hard. And ask yourself if you want to fight for us.

No matter what happens, I would like us to wait until after our vacation to make a decision. I want to see if us being away will help us. Because it seems like when we go out of town we get along really well and we have a really great time together. It might be just what we need to reconnect and figure stuff out.

I know that I’m not an easy girl to be in a relationship with. I’m independent to a fault, I’m stubborn, I’m picky, I’m a jerk sometimes, I’m blunt when I shouldn’t be, I’m not blunt when I should be, I’m ……..I’m sure there are more. I’m not perfect.

But I feel like when we do spend time apart…..I’m the one that ends up talking to you and trying to work things out. I’m probably wrong about that and I’m sure you have numerous arguments against what I said.

But when it all comes down to it, that’s how I FEEL. And I can’t help what I feel. I think one thing that bothers me is that when things might not be 100% with us, you just pretend that things are fine. But I think that you know that things are not 100%. Or even 50%. Please stop pretending and tell me before I have to blow up and show you.

You know I’m not good at speaking my feelings. But I will tell you that I used to be better at it when I felt that you were willing to listen. I feel like I have to be the one to be the bad guy and start the conversations. Or be the bad guy that shows that I’m unhappy. And that’s when you decide to figure it out. I don’t want to be the bad guy all the time. And I know I probably don’t do or say or act how I should to tell you that I’m upset….but you do nothing to show it…..except for nothing.

I know you’re thinking that you’re sitting on the brink of the edge of something. And perhaps….you’re not unhappy. And if you can tell me that you’re not unhappy and that I’m totally wrong…..then it’s obviously just me who’s having problems. And then it’s just me who’s not happy with us at this point and I suppose that puts me in a different category than you. If that’s the case, I’m really sorry, and you can do what you want.

I will say (again), that I don’t want you to move out, I don’t want to split up, we just need something to make us both feel better about each other (and maybe ourselves?).

But when it really comes to the point…..even if you don’t know what I’m talking about, we need some time.

I need you to get freaked out about things as much as I am. I lay awake at night. I sleep in because I don’t want to deal. We don’t sit on the same couch anymore. We don’t talk. We don’t laugh. Our friends see how separate we are even when we’re sitting together. We are not making each other happy right now.

I can’t make you happy if you don’t make me happy. And vice versa.