Yet another letter. I don’t know how to talk to you without it becoming a fight. And the fact that we can’t (or don’t want to) fight, I’m not sure that we can work things out.
I know you don’t like to fight and I don’t either. But even after we do actually fight, I don’t think that it accomplishes anything.
Mostly because we have to be drunk in order for us to actually fight. But unfortunately I’m not totally sure that either of us really remembers what we talked about in order to ‘work things out.’ I guess I’m passive aggressive and you are just passive. Neither is right.
I keep thinking about how good we were. We used to make each other laugh! We wanted to be around each other. We talked and were affectionate!
We have talked about how we can get back to that.
How do we get back to that? Neither of us have been able to come up with an answer and we both try but we haven’t. And as much as we try, if we both don’t know how to get back there….how can we?
Except for some time? I don’t want to split up with you. I think we’ve had enough time together that we can work on things, just ‘separated.’ I hate that word, but I hate the words ‘split up’ or ‘break up’ worse.
I know you don’t want to have to stay at your parents’ house every time we are having problems. And I also know that I’m not ready to be done and for you to move out. But I also know that WE are not happy right now. I think that maybe you have it in your head that things are fine, or that our issues will work out, in time, on their own. I think that we’ve tried that. We need to learn how to talk to each other and actually talk about stuff again. Not just the stuff that we’re having problems with. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Saying hello and talking about random television shows does not make a relationship.
I think it might take more than two weeks of you staying at your parents’ to make things work. Like I said, I don’t want you to move out, I think we just need to spend time alone to figure out whether we really want to be with each other. I need you to figure that out. I need you to be honest with yourself and us to think about it long and hard. And ask yourself if you want to fight for us.
No matter what happens, I would like us to wait until after our vacation to make a decision. I want to see if us being away will help us. Because it seems like when we go out of town we get along really well and we have a really great time together. It might be just what we need to reconnect and figure stuff out.
I know that I’m not an easy girl to be in a relationship with. I’m independent to a fault, I’m stubborn, I’m picky, I’m a jerk sometimes, I’m blunt when I shouldn’t be, I’m not blunt when I should be, I’m ……..I’m sure there are more. I’m not perfect.
But I feel like when we do spend time apart…..I’m the one that ends up talking to you and trying to work things out. I’m probably wrong about that and I’m sure you have numerous arguments against what I said.
But when it all comes down to it, that’s how I FEEL. And I can’t help what I feel. I think one thing that bothers me is that when things might not be 100% with us, you just pretend that things are fine. But I think that you know that things are not 100%. Or even 50%. Please stop pretending and tell me before I have to blow up and show you.
You know I’m not good at speaking my feelings. But I will tell you that I used to be better at it when I felt that you were willing to listen. I feel like I have to be the one to be the bad guy and start the conversations. Or be the bad guy that shows that I’m unhappy. And that’s when you decide to figure it out. I don’t want to be the bad guy all the time. And I know I probably don’t do or say or act how I should to tell you that I’m upset….but you do nothing to show it…..except for nothing.
I know you’re thinking that you’re sitting on the brink of the edge of something. And perhaps….you’re not unhappy. And if you can tell me that you’re not unhappy and that I’m totally wrong…..then it’s obviously just me who’s having problems. And then it’s just me who’s not happy with us at this point and I suppose that puts me in a different category than you. If that’s the case, I’m really sorry, and you can do what you want.
I will say (again), that I don’t want you to move out, I don’t want to split up, we just need something to make us both feel better about each other (and maybe ourselves?).
But when it really comes to the point…..even if you don’t know what I’m talking about, we need some time.
I need you to get freaked out about things as much as I am. I lay awake at night. I sleep in because I don’t want to deal. We don’t sit on the same couch anymore. We don’t talk. We don’t laugh. Our friends see how separate we are even when we’re sitting together. We are not making each other happy right now.
I can’t make you happy if you don’t make me happy. And vice versa.
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