I went to sleep last night after agreeing to a ‘separation.’ Of course it had to be my idea because he sits back and has to think about what we should do. He was the one who wanted to talk when I got off work. He pauses the tv and says ‘can we talk?’
I say sure……and what happens after that is me talking about what I’m thinking about and what my ideas are about what to do about our problems. I told him most of what was in my last post and asking him the whole time what his ideas were.
And every time, he said he doesn’t know, he needs to think about it. So I would talk some more. And he had to sit and think about it…and say he’s thinking.
And then he said he’d talk if I’d let him talk. What the fuck is that???? I am only asking him to speak his mind and give his suggestions but when he says he needs to think about it???
I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’m not saying that I’m a great person for not just speaking my mind when I started thinking about stuff….but if he brings up that he wants to talk and then has nothing to say??? And has to think about it? I don’t know what to say to that.
So, I pulled up my big girl panties and finally decided to give him the letter I wrote (that I left out for him to read on Wednesday morning, but he didn’t see). We’ll see how it works out.
But I’m going to patiently wait for the ball to come from his court. I don’t want to be the person who feels like she’s the only one who fights for this relationship. Every time we have a ‘break’ I’m the one who has to tell him my feelings first and it’s his turn. I don’t know if that’s childish or whatever….but I don’t want it to always be in my court to speak my mind.
So….anyway, day one of The Separation. I woke up this morning not under the sheet. I don’t want him to think that I did that on purpose, I just went to bed. But he’s one who would take offense. Didn’t realize until I woke up and he was already gone.
Went to work. Had a good day. Even though I spent an hour brushing out a nine-year-old girl’s hair because her mom said it was time she took care of her own hair. But also allowed said daughter get not dreadlocks but MATS in her hair up to her scalp. She asked me only to cut her hair. Wanted to ask her if she wanted me to shave her girl’s hair…..but instead I spent an hour de-matting and then cut her hair to just below her shoulders, all the while trying to not to hurt and school this girl on proper hair care. Little lady was a trooper and I gave her a brush (to use every day) and she seemed really happy. So did the mom, she tipped me 100%! Thank you!
Friend called after work and I met up with she and her daughter, they’re both dolls and mom is nice enough to listen, as she knows all that’s been going on.
Came home and watched Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice. Every reference to love or relationships (there are a LOT amidst the surgery and drama) made me think about what’s going on in my life and what I can do to fix it. Or if I can at all.
On my way to bed, I feel like I can’t sleep, though I know things are as they should be. Bad, but good? I have yet to find out. Am I lonely? Sure. Am I lonely? No, I’m happy to be on my own terms. Am I lonely? Yup. Am I lonely? Naw, I have Winny! Let’s see about day two……
