Separation night 3

I got drunk.

I didn’t want to come home and sit by myself again.

So I went out.

And then I went to a party.

I had fun. I had fun.

Was having so much fun

That I let my ride leave.

It’s okay because I’m close, walking distance

To my house.

 

I get walking and realize

It’s a little farther than I thought.

But whatever, a walk is not a bad thing.

I’m slipping and sliding on the ice,

And walking like a drunken hobo

Just to walk on the spots of

Un-ice.

And then they give me a ride,

To the main road.

All of a sudden I’m walking only two blocks to my house.

Instead of six.

It’s amazing how a small ride helps

When you have slippery feet.

Very nice of them.

Makes me think that people do

Care.

If I wasn’t where I am with him at this point in time, I wouldn’t have gone to that party. I know for a fact there is no way he would’ve gone. I didn’t originally want to go there. I’ve been so “taken” that I don’t do what I used to do.

But at the same time…..I don’t really miss it that much. The people who know me at the party were surprised to see me there, but said they were happy to see me. So obviously they’re surprised to see me because I don’t do that anymore. Because I have him. And he doesn’t like that kind of thing. So I don’t do it.

I like going to house parties from time to time. But more than not, I won’t go unless it’s a really close friend’s party. So therefore, I tend not to go.  Because I don’t have a huge amount of close friends.

But I broke my rule. Although I know the hosts, they are not my people. We say hi at the bar and a re cordial, but know nothing of each other.

I went….and I had fun! There were a ton of people I know there (I knew they would be there) and it was good to see and hang with them.

But when it really comes down to it, can I have both worlds?

We have argued about how I am more a social person than he is. And I’ve changed a lot since I’ve been committed to him. I’m able and happy to stay at home more than I used to be. Like I said in my last post, I’ve come to realize that it’s easier and cheaper to just stay at home.

Most of my jobs require me to talk to people. I work FOR people. And I work to make people happy. In my work I strive to make people happy. I do, in my life, try to make people happy.

But there’s got to be a point where I can not have to try to please people, and just have them like me for who I am.

Wow, that sounds like I only bank my self-worth on the opinions of those around me.

That’s not true, by any means.

I guess….on this tirade that I went on…and the separation theme……

I want to be me, and I’m so troubled about changing too much for a person? And I don’t want that person to have to change too much either.

He has made me a better person after he’s moved in. I’ve realized that I like having a clean house. And I was so worried that I was going to piss him off about how I’m not clean. But it seems that since he’s moved in, I’m all about having a clean house.

I’m seeing myself getting anal about his little dirty quirks. He says I shouldn’t worry about the small stuff. But when there are a lot of small things building up, isn’t that a big thing?

Maybe I’m just used to living by myself and having my own mess to (not) deal with, it’s hard to deal with somebody else’s?

I thought he was OCD clean. Now I’m worse about certain things that he doesn’t even know about.

And I suppose that’s a huge problem. That he doesn’t even know what I’m annoyed about.

But if I told him everything that he does that annoys me…….it would be bad.

We’ve tried telling each other honestly what we don’t like about each other living together. My list is a lot longer and it is stupid little shit. I don’t tell him about the little shit because he thinks it’s not something we should worry about.

Bu to me, it’s the little shit that gets to me. In general he is a good roommate, a good person and a great friend…..and he would be a good boyfriend if  he understood that the little shit that doesn’t seem to bother him (even though he’s not happy either) DOES bother me. And I’m probably just weird about some stuff. I know I’m weird about stuff for no reason.

But we all are.

I’m sure he’s not happy about some things that I do. But he won’t be honest with me and rip me a new one like he should.

He did say briefly that he thinks he’s trying too hard to please me. And that kinda pissed me off. I feel that if he’s sacrificing his own happiness or ideas just for me…..that doesn’t make him an individual. Shouldn’t he have balls enough to say what HE wants? Or am I too hard ass to recognize that I’m bullying him into doing what I want to do?

On that note, yes, I suppose I’m a bully. Not straight out bully, a passive aggressive one. And perhaps he is so passive that I take advantage of it.

Being passive aggressive or just being passive are both bad. I can’t tell him how to be less passive. I need to figure out how not to be so passive aggressive.

And I need to learn to not be so critical. Probably in my life in general.

I suppose I’m a very critical person when it comes to everything. And I’m also very passive aggressive. One would think that I have a problem keeping my mouth shut. I suppose I’m  really good and opening my mouth when it doesn’t really mean shit.

But more than not, I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut when it should be open.

So I open my mouth when it shouldn’t and can’t when it should?